After The Rain
by pokeitlikejello
Summary: An Addison centered fic. An event causes Addison's life and several other lives to be changed forever. Dramatic much? I think so...
1. Bat Out Of Hell

Addison slung her purse over her shoulder and made her way to the elevator. The hall was empty except for the occasional passing nurse. It was close to two in the morning and Addison was looking forward to arriving at the hotel and getting some sleep before returning to the hospital later that same morning.

When the elevator doors slid closed, Addison leaned her back against the wall of the elevator and rested her head. She closed her eyes, resting them before she had to drive back to the hotel. The elevator bounced before stopping, causing Addison to open her eyes and step away from the wall. The doors opened and Addison made her way out of the hospital.

The air was cool and smelled of rain. The wet pavement provided more proof that it had rained earlier. Addison stepped alongside of a puddle and headed for her car. She pulled her keys from her purse as she neared her car, which was parked underneath a street lamp. Addison was a few feet from her car when she froze, staring at the tires of her car.

Slowly, Addison stepped around her car, examining the tires, her mouth hanging open and her eyebrows drawn together, annoyed.

"You've got to be kidding me." Addison angrily said, pulling her cell phone from her purse.

"You all right?"

Addison shut her phone and turned around. Derek, tired and curious, stood across from Addison, arms folded across his chest.

"Someone slashed my tires." Addison told him, anger still clear in her voice, "Who would have done this?"

"There was an article in the paper the other day about a gang of kids going around and slashing the tires on expensive cars." Derek said, attempting to hide his amusement, but doing a poor job of it, "They're trying to make some sort of statement."

"You could be a little bit happier, Derek." Addison spat.

Derek shook his head, wiping the smile off his face "I'm sorry. It's not funny. How about I give you a ride?"

"I'll just call a cab after I call the cops." Addison replied, dropping her anger, "I might as well stay here tonight."

"Late surgery?" Derek asked.

"How'd you guess?" Addison replied, placing a hand on her hip, "You too?"

"Yeah." Derek nodded and moved closer to Addison, "Listen, Addison, I can give you a ride and you can call the police when you get home. I don't mind. You shouldn't have to wait for a cab. It's not a problem. As long as you don't mind riding in my truck, that is."

Addison looked from Derek, to her car, her shoulders slumping in exhaustion. She looked back at Derek and slipped her phone and car keys into her purse.

"Okay." Addison agreed, "Thank you."

"No problem." Derek said and led the way to his truck, throwing his keys up and catching them.

Addison glared in annoyance at Derek's playful manner and followed him to the truck. When they reached the truck, Derek unlocked the passenger side first. Addison climbed in and buckled her seat belt. Derek slid into the driver's side and buckled his seat belt as well. Once they were both settled, Derek started the car and began driving.

"So... the Archfield still?" Derek asked, glancing at Addison.

"Yes." Addison answered, watching the road ahead.

Derek and Addison both fell silent. Derek leaned over and turned on the radio. Meatloaf's "Bat Out Of Hell" was in the middle of playing. Derek smirked and glanced at Addison again. Addison caught this look and stared at Derek.

"What?" Addison said.

"Do you remember when we went to that Meatloaf concert?" Derek smiled.

"You mean that time you and Mark were suppose to go when Mark bailed for that Elizabeth woman and you forced me to go in his place?" Addison cocked an eyebrow.

"I can't understand why you don't like Meatloaf!" Derek exclaimed.

"I like his music." Addison replied, "Well, I like a few songs, anyway."

"But, it's Meatloaf!" Derek responded, "He's only one of the greatest musicians-"

"I beg to differ." Addison cut Derek off.

"And I'm sure you'd prefer Julie Andrews." Derek scoffed.

"I say I like Mary Poppins one time and now I'll never live it down." Addison shook her head, smiling.

Derek smiled at Addison, picking up speed as he passed through a green light. Addison squinted as bright beams of light hit the side of her face. She looked to her right only to be blinded.

"Derek!" Addison shrieked, drowning out the music.

Before Derek could react, a loud bang of impact and crunching metal sounded. Addison was thrown toward Derek and then flew back, smashing her head off of the passenger side door. Addison felt a warm liquid begin to run down the side of her face. Addison threw her hands to the wound, pulling them away to see blood.

Addison was thrown back towards Derek, the car moving as if in slow motion. There was a popping sound and the truck began to tip onto its side. Addison caught sight of Derek, who was still gripping the steering wheel, eyes open in horror. The truck flipped and Addison's purse flew from her lap.

Shock was settling into Addison and her body drooped as she began feeling lightheaded. She was thrashed around the truck, slamming against the door and the dashboard several times as the truck rolled twice before driver's side crashed into a building. The truck rested on its wheels, the roof caved in, the windows smashed, except for the windshield, which held large cracks running down it.

Addison swallowed hard, and tried to speak, but was unable to. She closed her right eye as blood ran into it. She lifted her head from the seat and looked toward Derek. He was motionless and slumped forward, head bent down. Addison attempted to reach out, but she could only move her fingers slightly.

Nausea began to overtake Addison's senses. She could hear voices approaching, but didn't understand what they were saying. She tried to focus on something familiar, but everything grew dark and she was lost into unconsciousness.


	2. It Was Him

**Author's Note: Dear readers, this fic is still going to be an Addison centered fic. However, due to the fact that my imagination goes off on its own and creates scenes and dialogues involving how others react to the events in this fic, I will provide these chapters as they come about (or how I see them to be important to the over all story). I felt this chapter was necessary, even though it does not involve Addison. However, the next chapter will pick up with her. Please, enjoy. And thank you for the tremendous response and feedback thus far. :-)  
**

* * *

The phone cut through the night harshly, stirring Meredith from her sleep. She reached over and grasped the phone. She picked it up and brought it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Meredith." The voice was tired, "It's Richard."

"Dr. Webber?" Meredith looked towards the glowing numbers on her digital clock. It was almost three thirty in the morning.

"You need to come to the hospital." Richard said, "There's been an accident."

Meredith sat up in bed, looking toward the empty side of her bed. She felt her heart stop.

"What happened?" Meredith demanded as she jumped out of bed and began throwing on clothes that had been strewn across the floor, "Is he all right?"

"Please, just come to the hospital." Richard replied, "And bring Stevens with you."

Richard hung up and Meredith froze mid pulling up her pants. A million thoughts were racing through her mind and they finally stopped on the belief that Derek was dead. Meredith noted that Richard had not told her to hurry, indicating that Derek was in critical condition and close to death. If Derek had been all right, Richard would have said so on the phone. Bringing Izzie was more proof that Derek was dead because Richard would want to make sure that Meredith had a friend with her when she heard the news.

Meredith dropped the phone to the floor. She felt a rush of anxiety come over her. She pushed her thoughts away, telling herself that Derek couldn't be dead. Derek could not leave her, he _would_ not leave her. Meredith took a deep breath and finished dressing. She threw on sneakers without bothering to put on socks and hurried from her room and into the dark hallway.

Stumbling through the hallway, Meredith burst into Izzie's room and rushed to her bed. She shook her slightly.

"Izzie, wake up." Meredith said, still shaking her.

Izzie turned over, opening her eyes, "What's going on?"

"There was an accident involving Derek." Meredith told her, "The Chief called and said to bring you with me."

Izzie sprang from her bed and dressed just as quickly as Meredith had. She was throwing on her sneakers when her eyes met Meredith's.

"Did he say what happened?" Izzie asked as she straightened and then grabbed a jacket.

"No." Meredith answered, "You don't think he could be... he could have..."

Izzie stopped. She locked eyes with Meredith, "No. I'm sure he's okay."

Meredith nodded slightly and left the room, followed by Izzie. As they made their way to the front door, Izzie picked up Meredith's jacket off the coat rack and handed it to her before heading out the door with her car keys, ready to drive Meredith to the hospital.

* * *

Izzie and Meredith went to the emergency room first. They recognized the signs of the cleaning up and calming down after a chaotic event in the ER. A nurse moved past them and Meredith stopped her.

"We're looking for the Chief." Meredith said, scanning the room, thinking she might see Derek.

The nurse stared at Meredith, her face contorting in a cross between sadness, pity, and fear. Izzie stepped closer to the nurse.

"Richard Webber." Izzie said, louder than Meredith had spoke, "He's the Chief here, at the hospital."

"Right. Sorry. It was hectic in here just a little while ago." the nurse looked towards the doors leading to the hallway, "He's coming now."

Meredith and Izzie followed her gaze to Richard, who was quickly walking down the hall and appearing as if he just walked out of the operating room. He approached Meredith and Izzie, trying not to make eye contact. Izzie took Meredith's hand and squeezed it. When Richard was close enough to talk in a lowered voice, he looked at Meredith.

"Let's go somewhere more private." Richard suggested and led Meredith and Izzie into the empty hallway that Richard had just passed through.

Richard straightened as he took a deep breath. He kept his eyes on Meredith.

"I don't know how to tell you this." Richard began, "Derek had been giving Addison a ride home for what reason, we're not sure yet. As they were passing through an intersection, a truck hit Derek's, causing it to roll before finally coming to a stop. They were both critically injured. Derek was unconscious when the paramedics arrived. He passed away at two thirty nine this morning before he ever reached the hospital. I'm... so sorry."

Meredith stared at Richard, whose eyes had filled with tears, but he did not spill them. She felt as if she had just tried to eat a fist full of cotton. Richard placed a hand on Meredith shoulder and Meredith was sure she was going to sink to the floor under the weight of his hand. Izzie, two streaks of tears on her face, cleared her throat.

"Dr. Montgomery?" her voice was hoarse and sounded odd to Meredith.

"She's in surgery now." Richard answered, solemnly, "I... have to get back. If you want to see his body... say your goodbyes... he's in that room." Richard pointed up the hall, towards the right, "He's cleaned up. And if you need anything, anything at all, feel free to wait in my office until I get out of surgery."

Richard took his hand from Meredith's shoulder. She was staring in the direction of the room Derek's body was located in. Richard placed a comforting hand on Izzie's arm for a brief moment and headed off to the operating room. Izzie gave a small squeeze to Meredith's hand.

"Mer..." Izzie said, quietly.

Meredith remained staring at the room. After a moment, she shook her head, her eyes dry, "He's not dead. He can't be. I know Derek and he wouldn't leave me."

Izzie wasn't sure what she could say to Meredith. She wanted to tell her that she should see Derek's body. Izzie knew more than she wished did how much it helped in dealing with someone's death by seeing their body. Then again, she wasn't sure if seeing Derek would help Meredith or make it worse for her.

"Meredith." Izzie began, but stopped when Meredith pulled away, taking a few steps back.

"I don't want to stay here." Meredith said, "Let's go home."

"Maybe you should wait a little bit." Izzie suggested, "We can go sit down or -"

Meredith lowered herself to the ground, sitting with her legs crossed. Izzie stopped talking and sat down next to Meredith. Glancing towards the emergency room, Izzie saw several nurses watching the scene. Izzie glared them and they quickly moved away as if they had not been staring. Izzie wasn't going to let them have the pleasure in gossiping later that day about how Meredith Grey had reacted when she was told that the man she loved, Derek Shepherd, had died.

"Okay." Meredith nodded after sitting in silence for five minutes.

Meredith forced herself to her feet. Izzie stood up alongside her.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Izzie asked.

Meredith shook her head and made her way to the room Richard had pointed to. Meredith pushed the door open slowly, stepped inside, and let the door close softly behind her. She saw his body lying in the hospital bed, dressed in a hospital gown. She figured the paramedics had torn off his clothes when they had tried to save his life.

Staring at his face, Meredith realized she couldn't convince herself that this man, this body, wasn't Derek. Even with his face bruised and cut up, she still knew it was him. It was that thought that drew her to his bedside.

Derek was stitched up and wiped clean. Meredith reached down and slipped her hand into his. To her surprise, it was cold. Meredith was well aware of the fact that when someone passed away, their body temperature would lower, resulting in the body being cool, however, the entire time she had known Derek, his hands were never cold. Even in death, she though that his hands, at least, would have still held some sort of warmth.

Suddenly, tears were falling from Meredith's eyes, dripping down on her hand within Derek's. Memories flooded into her mind. The first time they had met and slept together. Her surprise when she saw him at the hospital the next day. All the times they fought, all their inside jokes, and all the times when she would lay with him as if they were the only two people left in the world. It was during those moments when Meredith knew she really loved Derek.

Meredith's mouth was dry again and the anxiety came rushing back. She was certain the walls were closing in on her. She couldn't breathe and she knew she couldn't stay in that room any longer. Trying to catch her breath, Meredith flew from the room and clutched the wall just outside of the hospital room. Izzie hurried over to Meredith and wrapped an arm around her waist, supporting her.

"Come on." Izzie said, pulling Meredith toward the waiting room down the hall and placing her in a chair.

Izzie rushed to a water cooler and yanked a paper cup from the pile, nearly crushing it. She poured cold water in it and hurried back to Meredith, forcing the cup into her hands.

"Drink this." Izzie commanded gently, setting herself in a chair alongside Meredith, a hand resting on Meredith's back.

Meredith managed to swallow some water and felt her voice returning to her. She looked at Izzie, her eyes wet with tears.

"It was him." Meredith spoke through her tears, "It was him."


	3. Sam's Second Birthday

**Author's Note: Dear Readers, I will be going away on vacation from the 22nd to the 31st. I am not positive if I will have internet access there. In that case, this fic will not be updated until the 31st. However, if there is internet, a chapter will be up before I return home. If not, I can guarantee a new chapter by September 1st. Sorry for the long wait. And enjoy this chapter. It's Addison. :o)  
**

* * *

Addison groaned. She felt detached from herself which made her uncertain in believing that she was alive and conscious. However, her pain provided proof that she was alive because she knew to feel this bad meant she was anything, but dead. She groaned again, wanting to move, but fearing doing so would cause her more pain.

"Addison." his voice was tired and scruffy... and sad, "Addison, if you could hear me, open your eyes."

Could she open her eyes? She wasn't sure. She did, however, want to let whoever was at her bedside know she could hear him.

"Derek." Addison mumbled, but it sounded more like "Durk."

"Addie..." she felt a warm hand enclose on her right hand.

With less effort than Addison had anticipated, she forced her eyes to flutter open. She was greeted by a dark room with bright light above her head. She didn't recognize the room, but she did recognize the person sitting in the chair next to the bed. After doing her best to ignore the pain in her neck when she turned her head to the right, she laid her eyes on Mark.

"Hey." Mark greeted quietly, leaning in towards the hospital bed and rubbing his thumb against the back of Addison's hand.

Addison sucked in a breath, which caused her chest and abdomen to hurt. She whimpered in pain.

"Take it easy." Mark scooted his chair closer to the bed.

"Where's Derek?" Addison's eyebrows drew together. It hurt to speak, to move, and Addison couldn't understand why.

"You remember the accident?" Mark spoke low and looked away from Addison.

"What accident?" Addison closed her eyes and swallowed, hoping the pounding in her head would stop.

Mark leaned back in his chair, "Addison, what's the last thing you remember?"

"We were leaving." Addison answered, keeping her eyes closed.

"Derek was taking you home." Mark concluded.

"No." Addison replied as if it was obvious, "We were going to Sarah's."

Mark's eyebrows raised in surprise, "Derek's sister, Sarah?"

"Sam's second birthday." Addison pulled her hand out from under Mark's.

Mark ran his hand through his hair. He stood up and paced back and forth. A nurse walked into the room, a chart in hand. Addison opened her eyes and looked at her. The nurse stopped and looked from Addison to Mark.

"She's awake." Mark said to the nurse, "Call the Chief and let him know."

The nurse stared a moment longer at Addison before turning around and leaving. Addison looked over at Mark, who stopped pacing and turned to Addison.

"I don't know how to tell you this, Addison." Mark shook his head, "I am so sorry. You've been in a coma for almost three days. Sam, your nephew, he's six now. Whatever you're thinking of happened four years ago."

"No." Addison whispered, "You can't... where is Derek?"

"There was an accident." Mark sat down in the chair next to the hospital bed.

"On the way to Sarah's?" Addison's growing confusion was making her head feel worse.

"No, Addison, you made it to Sarah's. I was there when you both arrived." Mark began to speak slower, hoping the news he was going to tell her would sink in better, "This accident happened three days ago. You and Derek were in a car accident." Mark took a long pause, the weight of his next words too heavy, "He didn't make it."

Addison stared at Mark, looking him over, waiting for him to smile or break character to show her that it was all a joke. That change never came. Addison shook her head slightly.

"You're lying." she breathed, "Sam is two, we're in New York City, Derek is alive and well. We have our own practices, and you are lying to me."

Addison began breathing heavily, the pain in her chest and side growing. She couldn't catch her breath and her eyes filled with tears. Mark stood.

"Breathe, Addie, slow breaths." Mark stroked Addison's hair until her breathing had slowed.

"Derek and I were going on vacation that next weekend." Addison said, staring straight ahead, "How could he be dead? How could it be four years later? I spent four more years with Derek that I don't even remember and now he's gone?"

"It was more like three years." Mark uttered the words before he thought them through and once they were out of his mouth, he wished he never said them.

"Three? What are you talking about?" tears ran from the corners of Addison's eyes as she looked to Mark.

"A lot of thing happened within those four years, Addison." Mark knew he couldn't undo what he said so he pressed forward, deciding to be honest.

"This is too much." Addison's voice was strained, "This isn't happening. I can't do this. I cannot handle this, Mark."

Addison attempted to lift herself up, but her body screamed in pain and she fell backwards on to the bed. Mark rushed to her as she tried to raise herself back up again. Mark eased her down, using as little force as possible so he did not hurt her.

"Addison, you need to lay down." Mark commanded, "You have two broken ribs and a bruised one, not to mention your head injury. You need to rest."

The nurse entered the room again. She walked quickly over to the bed when she saw Mark holding Addison down.

"What's going on here?" the nurse asked, concerned.

"She's fine." Mark answered and stepped back when Addison grew slack after tiring herself out.

"I need to take her vitals." the nurse said, stepping between Mark and the bed.

"Could you give us a moment?" Mark asked, trying to keep annoyance out of his voice.

"As soon as I take her vitals." the nurse reached out for Addison's arm, but Mark stopped her.

The nurse faced Mark, "Excuse me."

"Could you give us a moment." Mark commanded this time.

The nurse glared, "Fine, but the Chief is on his way and he'll hear about this, Dr. Sloan."

"Good." Mark replied and the nurse walked hastily away.

Mark stared at the empty doorway. He took a few deep breaths and looked to Addison. She had paled and tears slipped from her eyes. Mark softened and stepped closer to the bed.

"You okay?" Mark asked.

Addison's ribs were mad at her for putting them through the intense pain when she tried to get up. Her head felt like it was splitting in two and a long scar on the right side of her face beginning mid forehead and extending alongside her eye before ending mid cheek was throbbing. Her neck and arms were sore and she was covered in bruises and scratches. However, none of this seemed to matter compared to the anguish her mind was in while trying to understand the extend of the accident and the damage it had done to her life.

"I want to know." Addison's eyes met Mark's, "Why three years? What happened?"

"I can't cause you any more pain by telling you, Addison." Mark said, "It would hurt me too much to hurt you even more."

"It's hurting me more not knowing." Addison's tears began to fall quickly, "Derek is my husband... and now... Mark, I have to know."

Addison began to sob. Mark lowered the side bar to the hospital bed and quickly sat down next to Addison. He lowered himself until he was lying next to her and he put his arm around her, careful not to disturb any of her wounds.

"You had your practices." Mark started, "You both got busy and you drifted apart. Because you were lonely and sad in your marriage, we... we, um... had a thing. A small thing, a stupid thing. Well, it wasn't stupid, it just wasn't the right way we should have handled things. Derek caught us in bed and he left for Seattle. We tried to make a relationship work, but I, being me, cheated on you. You left for Seattle after Derek, tried to make your marriage work, but he fell in love with someone else. After you finally realized it, you filed for a divorce. Oh yeah, and I came out here, too, chasing after you. Currently you live here in Seattle. You're the head of the neo-natal surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital under Chief Richard Webber, who I know you do remember."

"Derek and I were over?" Addison whispered.

"Yeah." Mark answered.

"How is that possible?" Addison was becoming hysteric, "We were just together yesterday... I remember it as if it were yesterday... Get away from me."

"Addison-." Mark moved off of the hospital bed.

"No!" Addison exclaimed, "Go away. I can't... I need to be alone. Leave! Get away from me!"

Mark went to speak again, but decided against it and did as Addison said. Once Mark was gone, Addison rested against her pillow and broke down into painful sobs.


	4. Daughter and Son

**Author's Note: I ****have**** internet!!! It's slow, but it ****is**** internet. And I'm having a great time on vacation :-D**

* * *

"I hear you've been having a tough time."

Addison opened her eyes, relief washing over her. She looked at Richard Webber, glad that he was there, providing her a comfort through his friendship.

"Richard." Addison smiled slightly, "I haven't seen you in... years."

Richard smiled and stepped into the room. He looked around, spotting a board full of "Get Well Soon" cards. He looked back at Addison, holding her gaze.

"How are you?" Richard asked, "Are you hungry? I can run to the cafeteria..."

"No, I'm fine." Addison replied, "Well, not fine, but just not hungry. I've been trying to understand of all this. It's like I'm in a bad dream that I know I'll never wake up from."

Richard's face changed to sympathetic as he walked over to the chair next to the hospital bed and sat down.

"The nurse told me your vitals are good." Richard said, "And your head injury wasn't as severe as we feared. I'm hoping that with some patience and some work, you're memory will return soon."

"I hope so too." Addison agreed, "Do you know when the funeral is?"

"Tomorrow." Richard answered, gently, "In New York. I don't think you'll be able to make it, Addison. I'm sorry. I know how important it is for you to go."

Addison looked away from Richard, shaking her head, "It's like this never happened. As if it's some cruel joke and he's not really dead. I don't even get to say goodbye."

Richard extended a hand and placed it on Addison's, "I know."

"Have you talked with my parents?" Addison asked, changing the subject so she could get the image of Derek's cold, pale body out of her mind.

"I called them, yes." Richard answered, a firmness coming over his face, "Your father said they would get here as soon as they could."

Addison nodded, as if she understood, but in reality, she didn't. Her parents were not here for her, not here for Derek, when they were needed. She needed them here for support, to tell her that she can get through this because she has family by her side.

In a sad way, she could make sense of her father not arriving, but it hurt Addison to know her mother wasn't here either. Addison's father was never really truly proud of Addison since he had always wanted a boy. When Addison was born, her mother had complications from giving birth and was unable to ever have children again. Since Mr. Montgomery had wanted a son, Addison had tried to play daughter and son for her parents, often times feeling as a failure to both.

Richard, who had been studying the change in Addison's demeanor, spoke up, "I imagine it was difficult to get a flight. I'm sure they will be here within a matter of hours."

"Yes... of course." Addison replied, quietly.

"Mrs. Shepherd was here." Richard offered, hoping to erase the morose expression on Addison's face, "She brought you those flowers."

Addison followed Richard's indication to a small table set in the corner of the room. A vase held pink begonias. Addison stared at them before her eyes scanned the wall to the bulletin board overflowing with cards. She gave them a sweeping look and turned her head back to Richard.

"Is she still here?" Addison asked, praying that Richard's answer was 'yes.'

Richard shook his head slightly, "I'm sorry. She went back to New York to prepare the funeral arrangements."

"Did you talk to her? How is she? Is she okay?" Addison spoke quickly, her eyebrows drawn together in concern.

Mrs. Shepherd had always been welcoming and warm whenever Addison ever visited the Shepherd house with Derek. Even the first time she met Mrs. Shepherd, or Mom as Addison referred to her, she was glad to meet Addison and didn't give her a hard time as the Shepherd sisters had for attempting to take their brother away from them. Mrs. Shepherd merely smiled and told Addison that she was pleased to meet the woman that made her son so happy. It made Addison sick to think of Mrs. Shepherd identifying her son's body before making the plans to bury it.

"She seemed... as well as anyone dealing with a loss of a son." Richard answered, "Nancy and the youngest Shepherd, Jennifer, I think-"

"Yeah, Jennifer." Addison agreed.

"-were there to help their mother." Richard finished. There was an unsettling silence, "Are you sure you don't want anything to eat or drink?"

"No." Addison said, but it was barely audible.

Richard decided to change the subject and take Addison's attention to something less morbid, "When was the last time we saw each other, Addison? I can't recall it."

Addison thought a moment, then looked to Richard, "Two years ago, I think. We went to the same holiday fundraiser."

Richard suddenly remembered, recalling the events of that night, a watery memory in his past, "We didn't know you were going to be there."

"We all laughed when we realized we were sitting at the same table." Addison added, a tight smile on her face.

"And we traded partners for the last dance." Richard said, "As I can recall, you were a terrific dancer."

"Thank you." Addison whispered, "How is Adele?"

"She's..." Richard though about all the problems in his marriage and decided to sideswipe the question, not wanting to complicate the conversation, "Fine. Very well, in fact. I'm sure she'll stop in and visit one of these days."

The nurse that had entered during Addison's time with Mark walked into the room carrying a chart and a syringe. She stopped when she saw Richard, who turned and looked at her.

"Hello, Chief Webber." the nurse said, "I have something for Dr. Montgomery's pain."

'_Montgomery Shepherd_.' Addison thought, but kept her mouth closed.

"Ah, yes." Richard stood up, looking back at Addison, "I'm pretty sure it's going to put you to sleep. I'll come by and check on you later then."

Addison nodded and Richard excused himself from the room. The nurse walked over to Addison's IV and smiled at Addison. Addison returned the smile weakly and turned away as the nurse injected the pain medication into her IV.

"There you go." the nurse said and looked over Addison's chart before exiting the room.

Addison held her eyes on the bulletin board, looking over the covers on the cards. After a few minutes, the board began to sway and Addison began to feel dull, the drugs taking over her body. She felt calm and her eyelids felt heavy. A few moments later, Addison was fast asleep.

* * *

_Addison was on the couch in the brownstone. Her head was throbbing, this particular pain caused by an excessive amount of crying. Her eyes were puffy and red and she was certain she looked terrible. Why she was crying, she wasn't sure, but she knew the answer was on the tip of her tongue. The front door opened. There was the click of heels on the hardwood floor. They continued on up the stairs._

_Sitting up, Addison threw a blanket off of herself before standing up and heading to the stairs. Her socks padded gently on the stairs as she made her way up them. Slowly, she walked down the hallway and Derek flooded her mind. An alive, but an angry and broken Derek._

_Stopping in the doorway to the master bedroom, Addison saw Nancy in the process of putting clothes into a large black suitcase that lay open on the bed. Addison entered slowly, as if trying not to offend or upset anyone once she was in the room._

_Nancy stopped halfway to the bed, a handful of shirts and jeans in her hands. She held her eyes on Addison as she finished crossing to the bed. Nancy set the clothes in the suitcase gently and moved towards Addison._

"_He asked you to come and pack his clothes." Addison said, her eyes locked with Nancy's._

"_As his sister, I don't want to talk to you." Nancy's face suddenly softened, "As your friend, I ask you, Addie, what happened?"_

"_Derek didn't tell you?" Addison spoke words as if scripted. She was aware this was a dream, but she felt as if this was too real, too familiar to simply be a dream._

"_He did." Nancy gave a nod, "But, you and I both know there are two sides to every story. "_

"_I... regrettably slept with Mark." Addison kept her eyes on Nancy, owning up to her mistake and not hiding from it._

"_Of course Mark's involved." Nancy rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed. _

_Addison walked over to the bed and sat down next to Nancy, "I was lonely, Nance. Mark was... there. It was a mistake. A lapse of better judgement. And I'm sorry."_

_Addison leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees, hands entwined in front of her. Nancy placed a comforting hand on Addison's back._

"_Derek... he feels sorry... and responsible in a way." Nancy replied, "He's aware that there were times when he thought he heard you cry or knew you were upset, but did nothing. He regrets it."_

"_Does he regret it enough to come home?" Addison asked, straightening up._

_Nancy shook her head, "He's moving, Addie."_

"_Where?" Addison's eyebrows were drawn so close together, they were nearly touching._

"_He doesn't want me to tell you." Nancy said, "He feels like you don't love him anymore. Just give him some time."_

_Addison was quiet for a moment, then looked sternly at Nancy, "I was weak, Nancy. I was lonely and sad and felt like my marriage was empty. I was wrong. I have to fix this mess. I _need_ to fix this."_

"_I'm sorry, Addie." Nancy replied, "You know my loyalties are to Derek. He just wants to be alone right now and doesn't even want to talk to his sisters very much either. I don't condone his actions, but I can't stop him either. I'll keep you as updated as I can."_

_Addison nodded, tears welling in her eyes. She stood and left the bedroom, leaving Nancy to finish packing Derek's things. Tears spilling over, Addison walked to the bathroom, closed the door behind her and rested her head against the door as she sank to the floor._


	5. Worrying and Sleepless Nights

There was a humming. Addison couldn't quite place the humming, but it was low and steady. For some reason she wasn't too sure of, she began to hum along with it, attempting to match the tone. Something stirred next to her.

"Addison?"

It was a female voice. Images of the dream flooded Addison's mind. Was it really a dream?

"Nancy?" Addison opened her eyes and squinted against the heavy sunlight invading the room.

"No, hun." the voice was familiar, "It's Savvy."

"Sav?" Addison looked to her right to see her friend.

"Hi, honey..." Savvy said, choked up by tears at seeing her friend awake.

"Hi." Addison replied, her eyes spilling tears as well, "You look different."

A short laugh escaped from Savvy, a sound that was stressed, awkward, and misplaced. Savvy took Addison's hand, "So do you. How are you?"

"My head is killing me." Addison answered, squinting again against the sun.

Savvy looked to the source of the light, "I'll get them."

Savvy stood from her chair and made her way to the windows. She peered out them, noticing the crisp blue of the sky. Hastily she pulled the blinds shut, leaving a dull glow to the room caused by a lamp in the corner and a small amount of light emitting from various machines monitoring Addison's body. Addison watched her friend make her way back to the seat she was previously in, identifying that Savvy's hair was longer and blonder, she was thinner, and there was something else different that Addison couldn't place.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" Savvy asked, taking Addison's hand again, "Mark just called. He's at the cafeteria. If you want something to eat, I can have him get it for you."

Addison shook her head, the idea of eating making her nauseous. She thought suddenly of Derek and felt worse.

"Where's Weiss?" Addison asked, fearing that possibly something had happened to Weiss in the four years she couldn't recall.

"He's at home with a cold and sinus infection." Savvy answered, giving Addison's hand a small squeeze, "I told him he had to stay home. I'm flying back tonight for the funeral tomorrow, but Weiss and I will be back the following day."

"Oh." Addison gave a small nod.

It was quiet between them. Addison felt slightly awkward, considering Savvy knew a four year span of their friendship that Addison could not remember. Addison was beginning to feel apprehensive, not wanting to bring up conversation about something she remembered to be a few days ago that Savvy may not remember at all.

"You thought I was Nancy." Savvy broke the silence.

"Nancy was in the dream I had." Addison answered, her head started pounding harder, a throbbing sounding in her ears.

"You had a dream about Nancy?" Savvy leaned closer to Addison, interested.

"Yes." Addison breathed as she squinted against the pain in her head, hoping it would pass.

"Are you okay?" Savvy's demeanor changed to concern, "Should I call a nurse?"

Addison shook her head slightly, "Wait. Just... wait."

The throbbing in Addison's head grew louder and stronger. Through blurred slits, she watched as Savvy spoke words Addison could not hear. It was a rhythmic swirling that overtook her mind, almost like something she would hear while giving an ultrasound to a pregnant woman. Addison quickly shut her eyes tightly, holding her breath, begging for the sound, the pain, to stop.

The sound began to slow and the pain dissolve. Addison took a breath sharply, a pain in her side now greeting her. Savvy was still speaking, Addison opened her eyes as she began to make out words and looked at her friend.

"-you all right?" Savvy was now standing, "Addison, I'm calling the nurse."

"No." Addison protested, her voice was strained as if she hadn't used it in a while, or rather, too much, "It was a headache. A migraine. I'm... fine."

"Addison, you're not fine." Savvy replied with bitterness she didn't know she had.

Silence. Savvy sat back down in the chair. Addison felt a lump in her throat, a sickness in her stomach. She wished that Savvy would leave, but she also didn't want her to. She felt like a wreck, a mess, and nothing felt normal. Addison was Alice in Wonderland, lost and confused, looking for some familiarity and comfort, but only being greeted by mad hatters of physical ailments from her tumble down the rabbit hole and a slew of queen of hearts, telling her that everything she knew was wrong.

"The mind's a complex thing." Savvy spoke from the chair, "Sometimes it gives us clues to what has happened... what will happen. Maybe your dream with Nancy wasn't just a dream. Maybe it was something you remember. Maybe not all of it, but maybe some little part of that dream was something that you don't remember now, but you did in your subconscious."

"Okay." Addison replied simply, not sure what to make out of Savvy's suspicions.

"What happened in your dream?" Savvy asked, perking with the interest she held before.

"I... I'm not sure." Addison tried to remember, but every time she came close to identifying something, it flew from her.

"Try to remember, Addie." Savvy encouraged, "Where were you? What were you talking about or doing? Was anyone else there?"

Addison's forehead scrunched in concentration, "We were at the brownstone... we were... There was some... thing going on. There were clothes. I don't..."

"What did you do with the clothes?" Savvy's brain was scrambling to make sense out of the clues given.

"I don't know." Addison shook her head.

"Did you say something to Nancy? Anything?" Savvy's increasing pressure during interrogation was making Addison nervous.

"I can't remember." Addison answered, "I guess I must have."

"Do you think you were talking about work, or family affairs, or... Derek?" Savvy hesitated on her last guess, hoping not to bring up a tender subject so soon.

Addison felt a pang of sadness and shook her head more violently, her neck shooting pains towards her shoulder blade, "I don't know, Sav!"

"Okay." Savvy softened her tone and rubbed Addison's arm gently, "I didn't mean to push you so hard. I was just trying to help. I don't know how else to help you."

"You being here is helping." Addison replied, just as gently. Her face suddenly hardened, "What if I never remember anything? What if I just go on living my life not knowing those four years? It's not even the relationships I made and developed that's the worst part of it, but the experience, the work that I have done. I could have done risky and nearly impossible surgeries that I may have to perform again or need to to remember for the sake of another patient. What-" Addison's voice cracked, tears filling her eyes quickly, "-what am I suppose to do if I can't remember?"

"You talk to the friends that do remember." Savvy answered, taking Addison's hand, "We will make sure that if your memory doesn't come back on its own, we will do everything we can to help you remember your past. I'm sure Dr. Webber will go over all the medical advances you made in your career and I am certainly here to tell you anything you want to know about what happened over the last four years. Is there anything you want to know now, Addie? Ask. I'll tell you and maybe you'll begin to remember."

Addison wiped her eyes with her left hand and thought a moment. A question she couldn't believe she had forgotten to ask popped into her mind. She felt selfish for having been with Savvy this entire time and not even brought it up to make sure her friend was okay.

"How did your bilateral prophylactic oophorectomy and hysterectomy go?" Addison asked, keeping her eyes on Savvy, "Oh, and your double mastectomy?" Addison looked to Savvy's breasts and then back up at Savvy's face, smirking, "I presume the reconstruction surgery went very well."

It was Savvy's turn to be confused, "You know about the hysterectomy, the mastectomy, and all of that? You remember?"

"I just thought of it now." Addison answered, wondering why Savvy's eyebrows were suddenly reasonably closer together.

"What else do you know about it?" Savvy asked quickly.

"You were having the surgeries..." Addison replied, "It's kind of fuzzy."

"Addie, I had those surgeries this past year." Savvy smiled at Addison, "You remember. I guess you don't remember that you were the one who did the oophorectomy and hysterectomy, but you do remember I was going to have the surgeries. That's a good thing, a very good thing."

A smile grew on Addison's face as she racked her brain, expecting memories to come flooding back to her. Disappointment began to embrace her as she realized that she wasn't going to be able to pull memories out of her brain by command.

"It might be a slow process as first." Savvy played off the look on Addison's face, "But, this is a start, Addie. For all you know, all four years will be back in a week. Give it some time."

A beeping sounded from Savvy's pocket. She reached in quickly and pulled out her phone. She flipped it open and pushed a button, then slid the phone back into her pocket. Savvy looked back at Addison, sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, hun, but I have to go." Savvy caught the look of Addison's crestfallen face, which Addison tried to hide, "I have to catch a plane to New York. For the funeral. I'll be back in two days. I'll bring Weiss."

"Go." Addison told her, "You need to be there."

"I love you." Savvy stood and kissed the top of Addison's head, "And make sure you eat something."

"Thanks, Sav." Addison did her best to smile at her friend, trying not to cry that a source of comfort was leaving, "For everything. I love you, too."

Savvy smiled at Addison and picked up her purse off the floor. Addison noticed the wrinkles in Savvy's dress pants, figuring the worrying and sleepless nights caused them. Savvy gave a small wave at the door and a silent 'bye' before slipping out the door, heading towards the exit, her heels echoing all the way down the hall.


	6. I Brought You Chocolate

Addison rested her head against the pillow and closed her eyes, taking a breath, but making sure it wasn't too deep to hurt her ribs. She thought of Savvy and how different she looked, not younger, but brighter perhaps, even if it was a sad occasion for the visit. Addison's mind drifted to the funeral. Her husband's... apparently _ex-_husband's, funeral and she couldn't attend. It angered her, upset her. As far as she was concerned, in this moment, she still loved Derek. Just because Mark told her they had divorced, it didn't mean she could instantly turn off her emotions for him. But, then it brought into question whether what she was feeling was even real at all.

When Addison opened her eyes, her gaze fell upon a blonde doctor standing in the doorway, scanning over her chart. The doctor picked her head up and caught Addison's look before giving a large smile. She crossed the room.

"I'm Dr. Stevens." the blonde doctor spoke, "I came to check your vitals, ask a few questions, and make sure everything is as it should be right now." Addison didn't reply, so Dr. Stevens continued, "How are you feeling today, Dr. Montgomery? Any headaches, pain, or discomfort?"

"It's Montgomery _Shepherd._" Addison responded, hastily.

"Sorry." Dr. Stevens apologized with a smile, yet her eyes showed sadness. Dr. Stevens looked towards the machines hooked up to Addison and marked a few things down on the chart she was holding.

"You know all about me." Addison said, cocking her head to the side slightly, "We know we each other. We worked together, right?"

"You... remember?" Dr. Stevens asked, holding her eyes on Addison, pen poised.

"No." Addison looked away, then back at Dr. Stevens, "Your face says it all."

A shorter and older doctor walked into the room. She smiled at Addison and stood next to Dr. Stevens.

"It's good to see that you're awake now." the doctor said and Addison kept quiet, "We were worried about you. I'm Dr. Miranda Bailey." Miranda took the chart from Dr. Stevens and looked it over, "Everything seems to be very well." Miranda waited, but Addison still said nothing, "Is there anything I could do for you, Addison?"

"I want to get out of this bed." Addison said, knowing that it would cause her a larger amount of pain if she tried, but she still wanted to leave, "Can I go for a walk?"

Miranda's face showed that she sympathized with Addison, but she shook her head, "I don't think that would be a very good idea. We want to give your ribs time to heal before we get you moving. The nurses will have to accompany you at first. We don't want you falling."

"Of course." Addison agreed, quietly. She figured the answer would be no, but she was still disappointed.

"Don't be too upset." Dr. Stevens jumped in, "With the way your vitals and stats look, you should be up and around sooner than you'd expect."

Addison eyed Dr. Stevens up, not sure about what to make of the girl's enthusiasm. Miranda closed Addison's chart.

"A nurse we will be in to check on you every few hours to make sure there are no sudden changes. We like to make sure we closely observe you the first twenty four hours after a coma." Miranda said and her face softened, "Have you remembered anything that may have happened more recently?"

Addison shook her head, knowing she was lying, but didn't feel comfortable confiding this information to someone she really didn't know, "No."

"Okay." Miranda nodded, then reached out and lifted Addison's head to exam the scar on the side of her face.

"Is it... is it bad?" Addison asked, wincing as Miranda poked it.

"No." Miranda pulled away, "It's not infected or anything, which is very good."

"It'll leave a pretty long scar, though." Dr. Stevens jumped in again to which Miranda shot her a look, "But... we can prescribe a cream for you to put on it so the scar wouldn't be as visible."

Addison wasn't listening. She was thinking about the accident that caused the scar, imagining it as a hundred times worse than it actually was. She wished she could remember the actual details and not the false accident in her head which involved a lot of screaming and blood.

Addison snapped her attention to Dr. Stevens, figuring she would get a more honest answer, "Did I kill my husband? I mean, was the accident my fault?"

Dr. Stevens looked at Miranda, whose face saddened. Miranda turned to Addison, resting a gentle hand on her arm, to which Addison wanted to shrug off, but resisted the urge.

"We don't know the specific details." Miranda spoke gently, "But, as far as I'm concerned, it's not your fault. Not one bit, Addison."

"Don't... talk to me like this." Addison was agitated and had a pained expression on her face.

"Are you okay?" Dr. Stevens asked, stepping forward.

"I don't want you to talk to me like you know me, like you know how I'll react." Addison was in pain. She was tired, upset, and sick of not knowing anything, "I understand that you both know who I am and maybe I even confided in you at some point, but I _don't_ remember you. I hate being treated like I'm a friend. The way everyone acts around here, it's like they're all in on some terrible secret about me which I am going to find out soon." Addison stopped her words, her mind racing, "I want to leave the hospital. I want to be transfered. Anywhere. New York."

Dr. Stevens was shocked and taken aback. She looked to Miranda, searching for the answer of what to say or do next. Miranda straightened, professionally, and nodded.

"Of course, Addison, I understand." Miranda agreed, "But, moving you, especially to New York, in your condition is probably not the best course of action. I understand that you are confused and annoyed, but the doctors and nurses are doing the best they can. I assure this to you."

Addison looked away, "I want to see Mark."

Dr. Stevens nodded, "Of course. I'll get him."

Dr. Stevens quickly left the room. Miranda watched her go and as soon as she was away, Miranda turned back to Addison.

"You are not just some patient here, Addison." Addison's attention went back to Miranda, who continued, "You're a friend of the Chief's. I'm sorry this isn't the hospital experience you thought it would be, but we can't just ignore the fact that one of our friends is in this condition and walk around the hospital like everything is okay." Miranda paused, "There are a lot of people at this hospital who care for you, whether it is because of your prestige as a doctor or your reliability as a friend."

Addison kept her eyes focused on Miranda, deciding what to take in of the words Miranda just spoke. Mark, a worried expression on his face, strode into Addison's room. He stopped by the side of her bed.

"Is everything all right?" Mark asked, "Stevens told me you were asking for me."

"I was." Addison replied.

"And I was just leaving." Miranda turned to Mark, and decided to try easing his anxious face, "Everything is looking good, Mark."

With that, Miranda left Addison's room. Mark pulled up a chair alongside the bed and sat down. He took Addison's hand and she let him. Mark's face fell.

"I can't stay too long, Addie." Mark told her, almost ashamed, "I have to catch a flight for the funeral. I'm sorry."

"It's... fine." Addison shrugged it off, not wanting her emotions to get the best of her.

Mark was feeling guilt he had thrown upon himself, "I could be back tomorrow night. I can get an earlier flight back and-"

"No." Addison shook her head, "You should be there. Especially for Mom. And Derek's sisters. You're like a brother to them. They need you."

Mark fell silent, brooding over his thoughts, wishing somehow he could be in two places at once. Addison looked him over.

"I remembered Savvy's surgery." Addison spoke up.

Mark focused his attention on Addison, being brought back into the moment, "You remembered? How? What happened?"

"I just thought of it as if I had known it all along, but simply forgot because of everything else that was going on." Addison answered, giving him a weak smile.

"That's fantastic, Addison!" Mark exclaimed, squeezing her hand, "That means we're heading in the right direction. I'm so proud of you."

Mark stood and leaned over to Addison, kissing her on the forehead.

"Calm yourself, Sloane." Addison smirked, "I didn't actually _do_ anything."

Mark was still beaming as he sat back down, once again making sure Addison's hand was within his own. Addison's smile disappeared.

"Mark..." she started, Mark's face turning serious at her tone, "I want you to get me out of this hospital."

"What do you mean?" Mark asked.

"I mean exactly what I said." Addison replied, "I don't want to be here around all these people who think they know me. Please, talk to Richard, ask him to transfer me somewhere else."

"Addie..." Mark tried to give a smile, "You need to stay here."

"But, I don't _want_ to stay here." Addison's eyebrows scrunched together, upset.

"It's better if you're here." Mark made sure to keep his eye contact with Addison, "This is one of the best hospitals in the United States, you have Richard looking over you, and I'm currently employed here, which means I'm practically living here, so I can be here for you whenever you need me. You _need_ to stay here."

Addison thought it over, "You're sure about this?"

"I'm positive." Mark told her.

Addison nodded, "Okay... I'll stay."

"Okay." Mark agreed.

It was quiet between them. After a moment, Mark reached into his pocket and pulled out a Seattle's Chocolates truffle bar. He held it up.

"I brought you chocolate." he tried to make her smile, which she didn't.

"Thanks." Addison replied.

Mark set the chocolate bar on the bed, to which Addison did not touch. Silence fell among them again, each lost in their own thoughts until Mark's watch beeped, signaling it was time for him to depart to New York.


	7. Must Have Forgot

She regretted not being able to go and as she stayed helpless in bed, it was all she could think about. The goodbye she could never give. What had she said to him last? Her days from four years ago ran together, the memories shimmering into each other, and she was certain she wouldn't be able to determine what their last words together were. Of course, she knew even if she thought of them from four years ago, it wouldn't be the true answer. There must have been words exchanged in the car. There must have been last words. _His_ last words.

His last words. Addison wanted to think they meant something, whatever they were. An "I love you" or a "Remember me," but she was sure they weren't either of those. Derek wasn't one for cliches. She wished and silently begged to be able to remember. She figured it would make everything a hell of a lot easier if she had the last four years back in her mind.

Mark would be in to see her soon. And Savvy and Weiss. Her parents stopped in on the day of Derek's funeral and she was shocked that they hadn't attended. It made her want to hurt them, yell at them, but as she looked in their faces, she couldn't. They were here and as they insisted, it was more important to be with the living than the dead. That same night, they were gone and Addison hadn't known a hospital could feel so empty and cold.

Now, it was mid afternoon of the next day. It was sunny outside, almost surreal. Addison was feeling a lot better than she had the past couple days and she wanted to get out of bed. Dr. Stevens had come in to check on her. She commented that Addison was doing much better and all Addison could do was glare at this doctor who was trying to be nice. Addison didn't like it very much. She was sure Dr. Stevens was being sincere, but her niceness seemed fake.

Addison looked at the open doorway. A nurse walked by. Wanting to feel as if she actually had control of her situation, Addison decided to get up and walk around the room. She wanted to do something on her own and being able to stretch her legs would feel wonderful. Her heart quickening, Addison was sure that it couldn't hurt too much just to take a quick walk. Besides, she wanted to prove them all wrong, showing that she knew her body and what she was capable of doing or not doing.

Upon her first attempt at sitting up, Addison immediately had to flop back down, the pain in her side something she didn't expect. She breathed, which inevitably made it worse, but she took the pain in, noting that the need to stand and prove herself was the most important issue at the moment. Had she been thinking like a doctor, she would have realized this was a very bad idea. However, being the patient, and not a very good one, she decided to try to get up again.

Addison eased her pace, hoping the slower she worked, the easier it would be to stand. She flung off her blankets and made sure her IVs were untangled before holding her breath and forcing herself to stand. There was quite a bit of pain, which Addison ignored. The floor was cold and unexpected. Addison reached out for the IV rack and hung onto it, making sure she was balanced. Once she was standing, she realized it was much easier than she thought it would be.

Taking her time, Addison made her way over to the wall, reaching out for it to keep herself on her feet. She smiled, pleased that she actually had freedom to move around. As she reached the corner of the room, she turned and was suddenly dizzy. She fell against the wall, clinging onto it. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the wall, feeling the pain from the stitches on her face. After a moment, she opened her eyes and looked towards her bed.

"It's not too far." Addison gave herself a pep talk, "Just make it to the bed and sit down. You can do it. You'll be fine."

Addison straightened up and forced herself from the wall. She took two steps and suddenly her legs gave out and she crashed to the floor, pulling the IV stand down with her. The moment Addison hit the floor she knew something was wrong. A searing pain spread through her side and it felt like someone suddenly squeezed her chest. She rested her head on the floor, wanting to cry out for help, but finding that nearly impossible since she was having the sudden trouble of breathing.

"Addie, I-" Mark's head popped into Addison's hospital room, looking from the bed to Addison on the floor.

Mark, dressed in his scrubs and lab coat, ran into the room and turned Addison onto her back. Addison wheezed, trying to catch her breath as her eyes began to fill with tears.

"What happened?" Mark's concern was clearly evident.

"I fell." Addison choked out from lips which were developing a bluish tint to them.

"Help!" Mark screamed towards the door, "I need help in here! I need oxygen! And a gurney!"

Mark turned back to Addison, looking her over. Mark glanced towards the machines and equipment in the room. He stood to grab the oxygen container and mask for Addison, but a nurse hurried into the room and cut Mark off. Another nurse followed, pushing in a gurney. The first nurse brought the oxygen over and Mark placed the mask over Addison's face.

Addison shook her head, "I can't... breathe."

Mark stood, frantic, "Her lung collapsed."

He hurried over to a medical cart and flung the drawers open, digging through them. He pulled out the necessary supplies and ran back to Addison's side.

"Is there anything you want us to do, Dr. Sloane?" the first nurse asked.

"Take that oxygen mask off." Mark commanded as he pulled Addison's hospital gown from her back, exposing her side.

The nurse did as Mark said and took a step back. Addison's lips were bluer and the same tint started to appear around her eyes. She was wheezing and coughing, barely able to breathe, and extremely dizzy. Mark opened the first disinfectant wipe his hands fell on and applied it to Addison's side. He used the scalpel he placed in his pocket to make a quick incision and then jammed the chest tube inside of Addison as a gush of air mixed with blood exited from the tube. Addison sucked in a breath.

"We got to get her on the gurney and out of here." Mark was holding the chest tube in place, "Her broken ribs punctured her lung, causing it to collapse. We need to see the damage. Let's go."

The nurses followed Mark's command and helped to place Addison on the gurney. They wheeled her out into the hall and down towards the operating room where they would check the damage before operating. Mark stayed at Addison side, one hand clasping on to Addison's while the other was still on the chest tube. Addison was still having difficulty breathing, but the chest tube made it a bit easier.

"What were you thinking?" Mark stared at Addison's pained face, "Addie..."

Richard turned a corner, made aware of the need for an immediate OR. His face fell when he recognized Mark and Addison. Richard approached quickly.

"What happened?" he demanded, walking alongside of Mark.

"She fell and her lung collapsed." Mark told Richard, "We need to operate."

"We don't know the extent of her damage, Mark." Richard pointed out, "She should be x-rayed so we know where the bones are broken and if she even needs surgery."

Addison watched the dialogue go back and forth between Richard and Mark. She was feeling dizzy.

"And if her lung is severely punctured and we wait around for x-rays, what will that do for her?" Mark asked, his brow furrowed in anger.

"And if we put her through unnecessary surgery, what will that do, Mark?" Richard's tone hardened, he turned to the nurses, "I want Dr. Montgomery monitored and x-rayed now." Richard looked down at Addison's face, "She needs oxygen."

The nurses nodded in response. Mark glared at Richard, who merely remained still, knowing Mark was too sensitive to the case to make decisions at the given moment. Mark followed alongside the gurney as it turned the corner toward the radiology department. One of the nurses had left, which Mark didn't realize, and she returned with oxygen, which she gave to Addison, who was still struggling to breathe.

Addison watched Mark, her eyes feeling heavy. Her vision began to blur and the lights suddenly seemed too bright. She closed her eyes slowly and was out.

* * *

"_Addie..." his voice was soft._

_Addison buried her face deeper into the sweet smelling pillow. The fabric was soft from being washed too many times. He was leaning over her, smiling. He set a steaming mug on the stand next to the bed._

"_Addison..." he coaxed._

_She stirred, squinting through her overflowing red hair. She flipped over, making him jump back slightly. She watched his smile spread and he sat next to her, leaning in close._

"_Merry Christmas." he greeted. She loved the way she could see his happiness just through his eyes. God, she _loved_ this man._

"_Merry Christmas." she replied, "Are the kids up?"_

"_Of course." he laughed, "It's Christmas. They were up and jumping on their uncle at five in the morning."_

_Addison sat up quickly and looked around, "Weren't we... putting together a bike?"_

"_You fell asleep and drooled on the instructions." he smiled, "I put you to bed."_

_He stood, stretching in his flannel pajama bottoms and gray tee shirt. She watched him._

"_Derek..." she broke off her sentence, her eyebrows drawing together even though she tried to hide her concern._

_Derek turned and faced her, "Yes?"_

"_If everybody was already up, why didn't you wake me?" Addison hated being the last one awake, especially when they stayed at Nancy's for the holidays._

"_You stayed up to put a bike together for a three year old who'll have a hell of a time trying to ride it at that age." Derek crossed back to the bed and sat down, "You deserved the sleep."_

_Derek kissed Addison's forehead, "Thank you for agreeing..." he kissed her nose, "To stay with my family..." he kissed her lips, "On Christmas."_

"_You're welcome." Addison leaned in and kissed her husband passionately. She pulled away and her eyes lit up, "When do we open presents?"_

_Derek laughed, "Not until we get to Mom's. I mean, Nancy's kids are going to open some, but they have some at Mom's, too. You know, you're just like the kids, Addie."_

"_Hey-" Addison nudged him, "I happen to know I am getting some pretty nice gifts today."_

"_Do you now?" Derek leaned in, teasingly, "Too bad I heard Santa brought you coal."_

_Addison pouted, "I thought you were going to put in a good word for me."_

_Derek shrugged, still smiling, "Must have forgot."_

_Addison kneeled on the bed, bringing herself out from the blankets and leaned into Derek, kissing him again. Derek looked to her mug on the stand._

"_Better drink that before it gets cold." Derek stood from the bed, "The kids are going to open their presents about... now. So come down when you're ready."_

_Addison reached out and took her mug. She stared at the liquid, confused, "This isn't coffee."_

"_It's cocoa." Derek grinned, "I put marshmallows in it."_

_Addison feigned annoyance with a look, but a grin was spreading across her face. Derek leaned in close to Addison's face._

"_You're welcome." he whispered._

_Derek turned and left the room. Addison smiled cozily as she crossed her legs underneath herself and took a sip of the rich hot chocolate._


	8. Like Wonder Woman

Addison awoke. She looked around her, recognizing the hospital. She reached a hand to her side and felt the tube protruding from inside herself and extending to a machine next to her. She stared at the machine curiously, realizing it was making sure air didn't build up in her chest cavity. She turned away.

There was Mark, staring at her. He didn't say anything, but sat in his scrubs and lab coat, chin resting on his hand. Addison could see he was watching her and it made her uncomfortable. Mark stood up and crossed to the bed. He reached down and threw Addison's blankets back. Her hospital gown had a cut in it, exposing the tube that went into her body.

"It's a chest tube." Mark's voice was cold and hard, "It has to stay in. If your lung doesn't start to heal on its own, you're going to need surgery."

Mark pulled the covers back over Addison harshly and walked over to his chair. He didn't sit down, but stood staring at the wall in front of him.

"Mark, I..." Addison started, wanting to tell him all about the Christmas with Derek and how she remembered staying at Nancy's and going to Mom's and drinking eggnog and talking into the night while the children fell asleep. However, Mark's tone dissipated that current idea.

"I'm sorry I... shouldn't be- Richard told me to take some time off. He might as well have given me a suspension. Of course, Karev would like that. He says I got off easy even though I punched him for no reason. He provoked it, though." Mark turned back to Addison, but kept his distance, "Addie, this isn't easy for me. I know it's not easy for you at all, but I'm having a tough time, too. I had been on okay terms with you and Derek. Derek and I made small talk. You and me, well, you were more bitter than I was, but overall, I thought we were okay because I knew that eventually, we would all be on better terms again. I thought I had time and then the world was ripped out from under my feet and my best friend is suddenly dead and you're in a coma. So, I deal and I make myself stand on two very shaky feet and you go and pull a stunt like this and suddenly, my world is ripped out from under my feet again."

Mark paused, waiting to see if Addison was going to say something. She kept her mouth closed and simply watched him. Mark stepped closer to the bed.

"Addie, you have to promise me that you won't do anything like this ever again." Mark continued, "I need you to work on getting better because right now, I don't even know where I'm standing and all I can think about is running."

Addison stared, brow furrowed, "So, run, Mark. If this is _so_ hard for you, then go."

"I'm being honest, Addison!" Mark was upset, "Do you have any idea what it was like when I saw you there on the floor? Do you know how sick I feel right now knowing I could have lost you?"

Addison dropped her anger at his last words, her face softening, almost defeated, "I'm sorry I did that to you, Mark. I was just so frustrated. I feel like I have no control over anything I do here."

Mark pulled up a chair next to Addison's bed and sat down in it, taking her hand, "Then, that's what you need to tell me instead of climbing out of bed like Wonder Woman."

Mark gave Addison a smile, hoping whatever tension between them was gone. Addison smiled back at him.

"Thank you, Mark." Addison said.

Mark shrugged, "For what?"

"For keeping me sane in this place." Addison told him, slightly embarrassed when her cheeks flushed a shade of red.

"No problem." Mark stroked his thumb against the back of her hand.

There was a knock at the hospital door. A young, cheery girl with blonde hair entered the room, a food tray in her hands.

"I have your dinner tray, Dr. Montgomery." she said as crossed to the bed.

"_Shepherd_." A little voice in Addison's head added.

The girl brushed past Mark and set the tray down on a cart, which she then swung over the bed and in front of Addison. She held up the remote control for the bed.

"Would you like me to raise you up?" the girl asked.

Addison was glaring, so Mark stood up and took the control, "No, I'll get it. Thank you."

The girl smiled at Mark, then Addison, and left the room. Mark pressed a button on the remote control and the bed raised slowly. Addison closed her eyes against the pain, attempting to breathe through it. She was really regretting the decision she had made to walk around the room. Once the front end of the bed was upright, Mark set the control down and uncovered her food. Addison stared at it.

Mark finished unwrapping and opening everything and swiped a finger into the last item, chocolate pudding. He licked it off his finger and sat down in his chair. It wasn't until he looked back at Addison that he realized something was wrong.

"You feeling okay?" he asked, concerned.

Addison looked to Mark, putting on fake cheeriness, "Uh-huh. Of course."

Mark sighed, "You haven't been eating, have you?"

"No, I have." Addison nodded, trying to convince Mark.

Mark shook his head, "No, you haven't."

Addison looked down at her hands folded in her lap. Mark watched her, debating on what to say next. As he watched her face, he saw a sadness in it that he so desperately wished he knew how to make go away. It was at times like these that he felt utterly helpless.

"You need to eat." Mark stated, simply, not coming up with anything else to say.

"No, I don't." Addison shook her head, which caused two tears to fall from her eyes.

Mark stood and picked up the fork from the tray. He jammed it into the dish of spaghetti and meatballs, "Yes, you do."

Mark waited to see if she would pick up the fork. When she didn't, he picked the fork back up and dug it into the side of green beans, collecting a few. He held it towards Addison, causing her to look up.

"You going to feed me, Mark?" Addison sassed, raising an eyebrow.

"If it's the only way to get you to eat." Mark replied, the green beans so dangerously close to Addison's mouth that she refused to say anything else to him.

After a minute, Mark realized that Addison wasn't going to be fed by him and she certainly wasn't going to talk to him until he was a safe distance away. Mark pushed the green beans off the fork and onto the pile on the plate. He set the fork down and sat back down in his chair.

"Then, I guess we'll talk." Mark said, trying to keep any impatience out of his voice, "Why aren't you eating?"

"I don't want to." Addison replied, simply, shutting Mark out.

"Addison..." Mark took in a breath, trying to calm himself. He wasn't sure why he was so frustrated, though he would probably blame it on the fact that he noticed her ribs had seemed more prominent as he was making an incision on her this morning and that bothered him, "You need to confide in me. What's going on?"

Addison looked away from Mark, then up at the food, then back over to Mark, her eyes full of tears and her face contorted with a form of withheld anger.

"I can't." her face was reddening, but it lessened when the tear started to come, "I _tried_. I did, Mark, I really did, but I think of _him_ and then I can't eat _anything_ because all I see is him and all I can think about is how he'll _never_ eat again." Addison swatted away her tears, "I get sick thinking about it."

"So, don't think about it." Mark knew this answer wasn't going to help her, but he wasn't sure what else he could say that would.

"Right..." she agreed quietly, wiping away fresh tears before they could fall.

"You should talk to someone." Mark said, the thought coming to him, "I can call the hospital's psychiatrist, Doctor... oh, what's his name? I can call him and-"

"No." Addison protested, quite sternly.

Mark's full attention was back on Addison, "Addie, it would really help-."

"No, Mark." Addison was louder this time and then she leaned slightly forward and hissed, "I don't know what's going on in my head, how am I suppose to tell someone else what's going on in my head?"

There was a sharp knock on the hospital door. Both Addison and Mark looked toward the sound. Weiss, holding a card, and Savvy, with a bouquet of flowers, entered the room and walked to the bed. They were both smiling. Weiss extended the card, which Addison took, hoping she didn't look as awful as she felt. Savvy set the flowers down next to the food tray.

"If you're eating, we can come back, Ad." Weiss said, looking from the food to Addison.

"No." Addison shook her head, smiling at her two friends, "I ate already. They accidently gave me another tray."

Addison glanced at Mark for a moment, catching his burning gaze on her. She turned to Savvy, "Thank you for coming back."

"No problem at all." Savvy bent down and gave Addison a kiss on the head.

"Mark, can you get rid of this food tray please?" Addison asked, her cheery front being displayed and one could almost swear the old Addison was back.

"No problem." Mark muttered and stood up, taking the food tray. He paused, "Want the pudding?"

"No." Addison answered in a quiet and polite tone, "Thank you."

Mark exited the room with the tray and Addison picked up the flowers. Weiss scooted the cart out of the way and took Mark's seat while Savvy sat down on the bed next to Addison.

"These are beautiful, Sav." Addison admired the flowers, then looked at her friend, "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Savvy smiled.

"We heard about your fall this morning." Weiss said, looking towards the machine Addison was connected to, "How are you feeling?"

"A bit hard to breathe sometimes, but all right." Addison answered, "How was the plane ride in?"

"Good." Weiss answered with a nod, "Bit hard to breathe at times, but good."

Addison smiled at Weiss's joke. Savvy gave her husband a look, which passed before Addison's eyes, making her feel a slight pang knowing that she would never have that again with Derek. The Derek who brought her hot cocoa on Christmas morning. The Derek who made sure to kiss her every night before he went to sleep... until the fighting started.

Swallowing hard, Addison felt the room feeling too small. Her eyes filled with tears coming from an emotion attached to some place within her that she couldn't quite identify.

"Are you okay?" Savvy's hand was on her friend's arm.

"You need to leave." Addison spoke, her voice cracking, "Please. You need to go."

Mark, at some point, had entered into the room and he was quickly escorting Weiss and Savvy out, explaining that Addison still wasn't herself and if she needed time at this very moment, well, then she needed time. He took one quick glance at her, tears starting to fall down her face, before he left the room and pulled the door closed behind him, hoping that whatever was making her upset, she would later confide in him and reveal it.


	9. Lots of Angry Words

"Hey." Mark stood in the doorway.

"Hey." Addison was looking at her hands.

"Is it safe?" he asked, hoping to lighten the mood, but Addison wasn't going for it.

"I scared them off, huh?" she shook her head.

"No, they understand." Mark walked into the room and sat down in the chair next to the bed, "They're Savvy and Weiss. They know you're going through a lot."

"Are they still here?" Addison asked, finally looking up at Mark with swollen, red eyes.

Mark shook his head, "I told them to come back tomorrow morning. It's getting late and they should get some sleep at the hotel."

"Yeah." Addison agreed, looking back down at her hands.

Mark waited a moment, "Want to tell me what happened?"

"No." Addison was quick to answer.

"It was something bad?" Mark asked, thinking if he guessed it right, she might tell him.

"There were lots of angry words." Addison spoke quietly, "There was fighting. Too much."

"There was." Mark nodded, wondering how much Addison remembered.

"You took advantage of that." she accused him, lifting her head, her eyes burning into his, "You took advantage of me and we slept together."

"I was in love with you." Mark replied, swallowing hard, thinking of that night and the moment Derek walked in always making his body tense, "I thought you were in love with me, too."

Addison was angry and upset, "I was _married_."

"That doesn't stop a lot of people, Addison." Mark shook his head.

"Quite clearly, it doesn't." Addison's words were ice.

"I don't regret it." Mark said, sternly, trying to defend himself with words that would do anything but that, "I regret the circumstance, but I don't regret it happening with you."

"If you were closer to me, I'd slap you." Addison's teeth were clenched in an apparent attempt to hold back her anger.

"I guess it's a good thing you can't get out of the hospital bed." Mark's attitude hadn't lightened, "Addison, you're basing what you're saying to me on what you've just come to remember, which I'm sure isn't the whole story. If it was, you might still want to slap me, but you wouldn't want to act on it. It wasn't only my fault that we slept together."

Addison shook her head with disgust, "Can you go? Will you? Because I can't do this with you, Mark. Not with Derek's angry words in my head... God, I was _so_ lonely... And I can't do this now. Not... now."

"Right." Mark agreed quietly and stood, "Of course, Addie. I'll see you tomorrow."

Addison nodded. Mark walked out the door without looking back, which Addison was thankful for. Her head was throbbing and she felt completely backward. She had known that her marriage with Derek was over, but actually remembering events that happened to cause their marriage to end was overwhelming to Addison. It was too sudden. The memories were back too quickly and she was having a hard time trying to absorb them all without losing herself within them.

There was half a figure in the doorway. Addison looked to it, her eyes falling on a petite woman in scrubs with dirty blonde hair. She was half in the doorway, staring at Addison. Addison stared back, unsure of what to say to this unfamiliar woman.

"Can I come in?" the voice was quiet and cracked as if it hadn't been used in days, "I mean, do you mind if I come in?"

Addison was intrigued, "I don't mind."

The woman stepped into the room, but only enough to lean against the wall next to the door frame, hands behind her back. She stood, her eyes on Addison.

"Aren't you going to introduce yourself like everyone else?" Addison asked, "Tell me how we know each other and how your life has changed since the accident happened?"

The woman leaned her head against the wall, shaking it ever so slightly, "No."

"Oh." Addison was quiet for a moment, "Are you a nurse?"

"No." the woman answered, "I'm a doctor."

"Oh." Addison said again, feeling a bit uncomfortable now that this unidentified woman was standing in her hospital room.

"You'd hate me if you remembered me." the woman spoke up.

Addison shrugged in reply, unsure of how she would feel if she remembered the woman. The woman tore her eyes from Addison's and stared across the room, lost in herself.

The woman spoke quietly, transfixed by the pain she so desperately wanted to rid her body of, "When Denny died, Izzie stayed on the bathroom floor for an entire day. She was wearing the same dress she had on when she cried next to his body. I couldn't do that. I was in stained jeans and a sweater with a hole in it. I don't think it would have had the same effect."

Addison suddenly understood the woman's statement and realized she should be telling her to get out of the room. If Addison had cheated on Derek with Mark, then certainly between that time and now, Derek would have found interest in another woman. A woman who happened to be standing in front of Addison at this very moment. However, looking at this woman's face, Addison knew she couldn't tell this woman to leave, but actually felt a deep sympathy that made her want to tell the woman to sit. Instead, Addison simply kept her mouth shut.

"They were engaged." the woman continued on, still lost in her thoughts, "Derek and I were nowhere near that, but I loved him just as much as Izzie loved Denny."

Again, Addison felt as if she should be yelling at this woman, screaming at her to go and stop talking about the love she felt for _her_ ex-husband. But, Addison still couldn't do it. In some strange way, she understood where this woman was coming from. She knew that she was looking for some way of mourning. Or, at least, she was looking for _something_. Addison continued to keep her mouth closed.

"Izzie finally took that dress off and showered." the woman appeared as stone while she said her words coldly, "The whole next day she made a ridiculous and endless amount of muffins. But, I don't know how to bake. And I'm not Izzie."

The woman finally looked back to Addison, showing that there were tears on her face. Addison's mouth was open and her eyebrows were drawn together at this woman's story. Addison didn't know who Denny was and she didn't really know Izzie, though a guy doctor had referred to Dr. Stevens as Izzie, but she still felt extremely sorry for them just as she was feeling sorry for this woman, who had been, and still appeared to be, in love with Derek.

"Did you attend his funeral?" Addison asked, her curiosity seemed to take over her senses and the words spilled from her mouth.

The woman nodded, "Yeah... it was... nice, I guess. Lots of people."

"I didn't get to go." Addison told her, "I needed to go. I needed to be there, but..."

"I'm sorry." the woman replied.

"Me, too." Addison agreed, quietly. She had looked away from the woman, but she quickly brought her eyes back up, "Would you be honest with me if I asked you a question?"

The woman seemed to be taken aback, "Of course."

"I don't remember everything, but I do remember Derek and I fighting." Addison said, nervousness causing a tension in the pit of her stomach, "Mark told me that we divorced. You apparently were with Derek. Do you know... could you tell me... what I was doing here, now, before the accident? With Derek, I mean. Mark probably wouldn't give me a straight answer if I asked him. He cares too much about all of this, but you don't. Please."

Addison knew very well that this woman could lie to her. For all she knew, this woman could not even be telling the truth as it was now, but as of this moment, she was all Addison had. The woman removed herself from the wall and took a few steps closer to the bed. She stopped before getting too close.

"As far as I know, you were working things out with Mark." the woman said, choosing her words carefully, "And you were on good terms with Derek. From what I could tell, you were still friendly with each other. After all, he did offer you a ride home that night."

"Derek was always considerate." Addison pointed out, wondering if she and Derek were really on okay terms after the divorce. It seemed strange to her, even after remembering the arguing, that she could be on terrible terms with someone like Derek.

"Especially with people he cared about." the woman added, quietly.

"He still cared about me?" Addison was slightly hopeful, "After everything that happened?"

"Of course he did." the woman replied as if it was obvious, "He was Derek."

"But, he loved you." Addison wanted to make sure she got this right.

The woman paused and barely breathed the word, "Yeah."

Addison thought this new information over, trying to connect the dots between the fighting and sleeping with Mark to the end where she was on reasonable terms with her ex-husband. The woman started to shake her head, taking a step back.

"I'm sorry." she spoke quietly, staring at the floor, "I shouldn't... I can't, um... I need to go."

With that the woman turned around and headed for the door. She was almost out it when Addison fully realized what she had just muttered.

"Wait!" Addison called out, which stopped the woman in her tracks.

She turned around, her face pale and her eyes glassy, "Yeah?"

"What is your name?" Addison asked, studying the woman over, making sure she would recognize her if she saw her again.

"Meredith." the woman answered and vanished out the door just as quickly as she had first appeared.


	10. I'm Sorry If This Hurts

Addison was in the sitting position as she leaned back on a pile of pillows in her hospital bed. She held a mirror to her face with one hand while she examined the scar on her face with the other. Her stitches were just extracted no more than ten minutes ago. Addison was quite disgusted.

Mark sat in the chair next to Addison's bed, his full attention on a crossword puzzle, which he actually hated working on, but felt it was the only thing to keep him distracted enough now that he was "taking a break" from working.

"What's a five letter word for nimble?" Mark directed his question to Addison, brow furrowed as he stared at the empty blocks.

The two had not spoken about the quarrel from the previous night. They each decided to let it go, holding their own reasons to this decision. Addison wanted to play it safe and not accuse Mark when she knew she didn't have the whole story. Mark didn't want to push the issue because he felt he was right about it and Addison didn't particularly enjoy being told what the truth was involving her life and her past. They both silently hoped the other wouldn't bring it up.

When Addison didn't answer him, Mark tore his eyes from the book. His gaze fell upon her and he watched as she lightly touched the long scar, a pained expression on her face. Mark was unsure if the scar hurt or if there was something deeper involved.

"Dr. Bailey took the stitches out, right?" Mark asked, though he already knew the answer.

Addison continued her stare at the mirror, "Yeah. It's hideous, isn't it?"

"No." Mark shook his head, "Give it some time and we'll put cream on it daily and soon enough, it'll barely be noticeable."

Addison looked to Mark, raising a disbelieving eyebrow, "It takes up half of my face, Mark."

Mark stood, tossing his crossword book on his chair, "I'm looking at your face right now and it's definitely _not_ taking up half your face, Addison."

Mark took the mirror from Addison's hand and set it on the table over her bed. Addison reached for it quickly, barely getting her fingers on it before Mark snatched it from her and threw it on top of his crossword book. Mark turned back to Addison, taking her chin with his hand and turning her head towards him.

"Addie, you're beautiful." Mark said, locking his eyes with hers.

"Mark." Addison pulled her head away from Mark, annoyed.

Mark reached out for Addison again, his fingers falling across her cheek while his thumb landed next to her lips and just a touch on top of them. He made sure her head was towards him and she met his eyes, angry at first, but that emotion quickly vanished into recognition. As Addison searched Mark's eyes, she was able to understand why she had loved him, actually loved him, for that amount of time when Derek neglected her. She suddenly understood why she had slept with Mark. She understood in that moment, through his warm touch and the way his eyes saw too deep into her, almost making her his own.

"Addison, you are beautiful." Mark emphasized, leaving the words lingering with his hand before suddenly pulling away and returning to the hospital chair.

Addison watched, her eyebrows drawn, confused at the emotion that pulsed through her body. It was too intense to describe, a burning, a heat that seemed to almost squeeze the air from her body. She wanted his finger back on her lips. His light touch. Something _real_.

Mark sat, putting the mirror and the open crossword book in his lap, unaware of what was racing through Addison's head. Addison shook her head, the strength of the feelings disappearing into her and remaining in her as if they had always been there. Addison was able to recognize a form of hatred along with this form of lust. A hatred driven by the fact that she blamed Mark for keeping her in New York when she should have attempted to save her marriage. Her head was whirling. She needed time to think, to sort these feelings out and try to understand them. To reach some sort of answers while Mark was not sitting in the room with her, distracting her. He was being too nice and that interfered with her thinking clearly.

"A five letter word for nimble." Mark repeated, his concentration still on the crossword puzzle.

"Agile." Addison answered him.

Mark's eyebrows drew together, then his face slackened as he realized she was right and he quickly scribbled the letters into their designated boxes. He slapped the book closed and looked at Addison.

"Another one bites the dust." He wasn't particularly enthusiastic about this, "You all right?"

"I'm fine." Addison answered, unsure of what her facial expression might have been saying.

"Want me to help you put the bandage on your scar?" Mark asked, standing from the chair.

"I can-... sure." Addison replied.

Mark moved to Addison's bedside, making sure not to disturb her chest tube. He reached onto the table and picked up the scar cream. He uncapped it and pressed a good amount onto his finger. He looked Addison in the eyes.

"I'm sorry if this hurts." Mark apologized and waited for a moment before rubbing the cream into the scar, Addison wincing in pain. After he finished, he picked up a long, white bandage and taped it to Addison's face.

"It looks strange, I'm sure." Addison said, feeling the bandage.

"No." Mark shook his head, "It's not too bad. Besides, you'll only need to cover it for a couple of days or so."

There was a knock on the door and a nurse entered with Addison's lunch tray. Mark greeted the nurse and slid the bandaging equipment from the table so the nurse could set the lunch tray on it. She smiled at Addison as she set it down and then left. Addison stared at the lunch, wanting to avoid Mark's eyes.

"You going to eat?" Mark asked.

"I hated you." Addison spoke quietly, trying desperately to distract Mark.

"That wasn't the answer I was looking for." Mark replied, still staring at Addison.

After a moment, Addison looked up at him, "I... blamed you. And myself. But, you too, Mark. You convinced me to stay with you in New York. I broke my marriage up because of you, I might as well have given it a try, right? I should have gone after Derek even after Nancy said she couldn't tell me where he went. I still should have _tried_."

Mark stared and then shook his head, almost laughing, "You really don't want to eat your lunch, do you?"

"I'm trying to be honest with you now, Mark." Addison's eyebrows furrowed together in frustration, "Isn't that what you want?"

"Right now, I want you to eat." Mark replied.

Addison stared at Mark, not sure if she understood the fact that he didn't want to talk about this. Mark stared at Addison, still slightly amused.

"You're just going to ignore everything I just said." Addison couldn't believe Mark wasn't trying to defend himself at her statements.

"I'm going to ignore it for now." Mark wasn't giving in, "We have lots of time to talk about all of that, Addison, but now, you need to eat."

There was another knock at the door. Richard entered, his lab coat on, smiling warmly. He stood alongside of Mark.

"How are you today, Addison?" Richard asked.

"I'm fine." Addison replied, giving him a nod before looking towards Mark with suspicions.

"I wanted to tell you that we've scheduled you for an x-ray at three to see how well your lung is healing and when we'll be able to take out the chest tube." Richard was still smiling at her, "You look good, though. I doubt you'll need surgery."

"That's good." Addison agreed, "Although, Dr. Bailey explained this all to me earlier today."

"Oh, she did?" Richard was feigning his surprise and Addison knew it. She kept glancing at Mark, who was trying to hide his eyes from her. Richard looked to Addison's lunch tray, "I see you're having lunch. Care if I join you?"

"You told Richard." Addison stared at Mark. She _knew_ it.

"What did you want me to do, Addison?" Mark asked, "Watch you live after an accident, a coma, and a collapsed lung only to die because you refuse to eat?"

"Is this true, Addison?" Richard asked, now concerned, but trying to do his best not to accuse her of anything.

"I can't believe you told Richard." Addison told Mark again and then looked at Richard, "It's complicated. I try to eat, I think of Derek, I feel sick and then I can't eat... Actually, it doesn't sound all that complicated."

"Addison, that's not healthy." Richard said, "I can schedule an appointment for you to meet with Dr. Anderson this afternoon. He's really-"

"No." Addison shook her head, "You don't get to do this to me. I told Mark that I don't want to see anyone."

"Addison, no one's going to think any less of you." Richard made sure he held eye contact with his friend, "You've been through a lot and we understand-"

"No!" Addison cut him off, still shaking her head, "You-" she looked to Mark, "And you- have no idea what I've been through. You haven't the slightest idea of what this has been like for me." Addison locked eyes with Richard, "I need you to give me time. Please. I know this will play itself out when I can remember everything. Please, Richard... as a friend. Just give me some time. Please."

Richard swallowed hard, it hurting him to see a friend he deeply cared for at a state in her life when just over a week ago, she was at the top of her game. It was that sympathy which made Richard agree with Addison, but only under certain terms.

"Fine." Richard made sure his tone was firm, though on the inside, he was overly sensitive toward meeting Addison on her wants, "But, if this does not get better after a week and a half, you _will_ be meeting with Dr. Anderson. You going to need to drink a dietary supplement on your own because I do not want to put you on a feeding tube, but you need some form of nourishment. Do you understand?"

Mark looked from Richard to Addison. Addison nodded. Richard's face softened slightly, reassuring Addison that he wasn't actually angry with her as his tone may have implied impatience.

"Okay, then." Richard said, "I'll see you later for your x-rays."

"Okay." Addison nodded and watched Richard leave. She turned to Mark, "I can't believe you told Richard."

Mark ignored her statement, "You're really going to drink the supplement?"

"I have to." Addison replied, pretty sure that if she had been eating, she wouldn't have been light headed and her legs wouldn't have given out on her, causing her to collapse when she had tried to walk the previous day, "I can drink stuff. It's the eating that's the problem. This would actually be good for me."

Mark paused, looking Addison over, "Yeah, it would."

Addison leaned against her pillows. She thought back over everything she had just learned about Mark, everything she had learned about Derek, the falling, the coma, the accident. And she thought back to before that. Back when things weren't this complex. Addison really began to wonder what had happened to her life.


	11. A Damn Sexy Catwoman

"No, no, no..." Addison was shaking her head, a smile on her face, "Don't bring that up. Please, don't bring that-"

"What?" Weiss asked, "I had a good time."

Weiss and Savvy had shown up at the hospital to visit Addison. Savvy was sitting on the bed, stretched out next to Addison. Weiss was sitting in a chair next to the bed and Mark was sitting in his chair on the opposite side of the bed. For the past few hours, the time had been spent talking about the events in the past that they had enjoyed together. The most recent was the first and only Halloween party Addison and Derek had hosted five years ago.

"You only had a good time because you drank so much, _Romeo_." Savvy replied, giving her husband a look.

"Romeo?" Weiss leaned back in the chair, eyebrows drawn in confusion.

"We were Romeo and Juliet." Savvy laughed in slight embarrassment that Weiss honestly didn't remember.

"Jesus, Weiss, how much did you drink?" Mark asked, grinning, "I remember that night. The food was terribly burned."

Addison raised her hands, defensively, "Hey, hey, not my fault. The caterer cancelled and I had to cook _something_. Blame the caterer."

"Well, my most memorable moment of that night was when Mark let the teeny boppers crash the party." Savvy turned her head towards Mark.

"They were cute." Mark shrugged.

"They were _sixteen_." Savvy hissed.

"You were just happy because they showered you with attention." Addison directed her gaze to Mark, "I guess that's what happens when you dress as an underwear model for Halloween."

"Oh, yeah." Mark replied, "Well, I guess I should have brought a date then and dressed as something couple cute like Romero and Juliet or Batman and Catwoman."

"I was a damn sexy Catwoman." Addison emphasized, causing Weiss and Savvy to laugh. Mark shook his head, a smirk on his face.

Weiss began nodding, "I think I do remember that night. Wasn't there a fight?"

"I got clocked in the eye trying to break the two bastards up." Mark interjected, "Dave and Josh, right? Bastards."

Savvy put a hand to her mouth, "Oh, that's right. They were fighting over Ashley... not that I know _why_ they were fighting over her."

"Who is Ashley with now?" Addison turned to Savvy.

Savvy smiled, "Pool boy."

Addison gasped, "Benjamin. _Really_..."

"You know his name?" Mark asked, glancing at Weiss, who shrugged, and then looking back to Addison and Savvy on the bed.

"He was _very_ nice to look at." Addison nodded.

"He was." Savvy was nodding also.

"That's why we'll never get a pool boy." Addison's thoughts had drifted into the past, "Derek used to say that whenever Sav and I talked about Benjamin."

It grew quiet in the room. Addison was unaware, still lost in that moment when Derek had said those words while laughing slightly. Mark's mouth formed into a tight line. Savvy looked down at her hands while Weiss stared off at something past Mark's head. A low rumbling sounded from the direction of Weiss, causing Addison to be pulled back to reality. She recognized the sound and burst into laughter and was quickly joined by Savvy.

Savvy looked to her husband, "Was that you?"

"I'm hungry." Weiss replied with a shrug.

Savvy broke off her laughter, "I guess we need to get something to eat then."

"There's a few good places around here." Mark said, "I don't know if you want italian or-"

"No, we'll get something here." Savvy cut Mark off, shaking her head.

"No, no, go get something good to eat." Addison protested, "No hospital food for either of you. I'm putting my foot down."

Addison was in the process of forcing Savvy off the bed. Savvy stood, a smile on her face. Weiss stood from his chair and slipped his hand into Savvy's.

"Okay, okay." Savvy replied, "We'll bring you back dessert."

"We'll see you in a bit, Ad." Weiss nodded to Addison and then turned to Mark, "Mark, you coming with us?"

Mark shook his head, raising a declining hand, "No, I-"

"You should go." Addison cut in.

"I'd rather stay." Mark stated simply.

"Mark, you never leave." Savvy moved around the bed to Mark, "You need to get out. Take a break. It's fine."

"Yeah, come on." Weiss stepped closer to Mark as well.

"No, guys, go." Mark responded, "I'm not that hungry anyway."

"All right, then." Savvy moved back to Weiss and took his hand once more. She looked back at Mark, "Want us to bring you dessert back, too?"

Mark smiled, "No, I'm good."

"All right." Weiss shrugged, "We saw a nice looking place just on the corner. We should be back in a bit."

"The bistro." Addison spoke up, "Really great food."

"You remember the bistro?" Mark asked, causing all eyes to fall on Addison.

"Uh... yeah." Addison smiled, "I guess I do."

"We'll bring you back _two_ desserts in that case." Savvy winked and Addison smiled wider.

Weiss led Savvy from the room. Addison shifted in bed, glad that her friends were here with her, helping to keep her grounded as well as lightening the stress and problems with her whole ordeal. Addison glanced over at Mark, who was watching her. She frowned.

"You should have went with them, Mark." Addison's tone dropped lower, disapprovingly.

"Your x-rays got pushed back." Mark replied, "I wanted to be here when you got them done."

"You don't have to be here all the time, Mark." Addison sighed, "I'm fine on my own."

"The last time I left you wound up with a collapsed lung, Addison." Mark narrowed his eyes.

Addison shut her mouth. He was right. She leaned her weight against the pillows behind her, wishing Savvy was still beside her. Addison sat up a little, her attention back on Mark.

"What do you know about Izzie and Denny?" Addison asked, nonchalantly.

"Izzie and Denny?" Mark repeated, brow furrowed, "What do _you_ know about Izzie and Denny?"

"He died." Addison shrugged, and then added, almost unsure of herself, "She baked muffins."

Mark shrugged as well, "I only heard rumors about it. Wasn't here when it went down. Apparently, she killed the guy and he left her almost nine million dollars, but somehow, that doesn't sound quite right. I mean, she causes his death and gets almost nine mil., no cops involved. Weird." Mark realized Addison was staring at him with one eyebrow raised, "What do you remember about them?"

"Nothing." Addison answered, "I was just asking."

"If you don't remember, then how did you know about Denny?" Mark was studying Addison, wondering what she was hiding.

Addison shrugged, "A nurse mentioned it. I was curious. I thought maybe you would know."

Mark leaned back in his chair, "No. I don't."

"Okay, then."

"Okay."

An awkward silence fell between them. Addison leaned back on her pillows again, biting her lower lip. Mark was watching her, wondering what she was thinking about. It seemed strange that Addison would bring something up that was rumored to her, especially since it didn't apply to her in any way. Mark finally decided that she probably was curious as she had claimed. After all, Addison did enjoy the occasional gossip.

"I'm glad Savvy and Weiss are here." Addison spoke up.

"Yeah, it's really great of them to come out here." Mark agreed.

"Do you know how long they're staying for?" Addison asked, "Did they tell you?"

"Only a few days, I think." Mark answered, leaning back in his chair, "I don't think Weiss was able to get a lot of days off from work."

"Right." Addison nodded, quietly.

"What's wrong?" Mark noted a change in Addison's demeanor. She tended to do this when everyone was out of the room, but herself and Mark.

"Sometimes I don't think he's dead." Addison was staring at her bed sheets, "It doesn't make sense, right?" she looked to Mark, "I mean, how could Derek _not_ be living anymore? How does someone just _stop_ living?" Addison paused, her words lingering before beginning again, "My heart almost stops every time I realize I'm never going to speak to him again. I'll never hear his voice again... Or see that smile. It's... a lot sometimes."

Addison had tears in her eyes. Mark remained quiet, waiting to see if she continued. Addison tore her eyes from Mark and looked across the room, silently commanding her tears to go away. She sniffed and tried to collect herself.

"I know, Ad." Mark's voice was barely audible, "I know."


	12. If I Had Known

"I'm glad they're taking out the tube tomorrow." Addison had her eyes on Mark, who was transfixed by his crossword book, "I think it means I'm healing fast... Mark."

"Yeah, it's great." Mark muttered from the chair.

Addison was under the impression that Mark wasn't even working on the book, but rather using it as an excuse to not look at her. Her eyebrows were set in confusion. She didn't understand what made him so angry and quiet when moments ago, he was fine.

"Hello, Addison." a cheery, young red headed nurse entered the room, holding an open can.

Addison smiled at the nurse who set the can down on the table next to the bed before sliding it over Addison. The nurse opened the chart in her hands and scanned it over. She looked back up at Addison, who had been staring at the can. Addison's eyes met the nurse's.

"Your chart says you need to take this supplement, so be sure you drink it all." the nurse said kindly, "If you need anything, just hit the call button. I'm on 'til eleven. My name's Olivia.

"Thank you, Olivia." Addison gave the girl a smile.

Olivia returned the smile and on the way out, gave a small greeting to Mark. Mark still refused to look up from the book in his lap.

"You have to drink all of that." the voice enforced Olivia's words from behind the crossword puzzle book.

"I know, Mark." Addison was glaring, but Mark wasn't looking, "I will drink it. I plan on it. You don't have to pressure me. I _know_ I have to drink it and I will."

Addison picked up the can and began drinking it quickly due to her anger. She was halfway through it when she stopped, not being able to force any more of thick unpleasant liquid down. She set the can on the table, wishing she could rid the taste from her mouth.

"That's terrible." Addison sneered at the can.

Mark scribbled in the book, "You're not getting out of drinking the rest."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Addison's full attention was on Mark, completely fed up with his attitude.

"What?" Mark finally brought his eyes to meet Addison's.

"What do you mean _what_?" Addison asked him, "You're nice and caring one minute, a complete jerk acting as if you're mad at me the next. What is up with you?"

Mark shook his head and looked back down at his book, ignoring her.

"That's right, Mark." Addison was nodding, "Ignore me. That's fine. That's what you do best, isn't it? Thank you, Mark. Really, thanks."

"Your sarcasm can be a real bitch sometimes." Mark's eyes were back on Addison, holding fury behind them.

"Oh, so now I'm a bitch?" Addison raised an eyebrow.

"That's not what I said." Mark's tone deflated in annoyance of her turning his words around.

"No, but you can't call a former comatose patient with memory loss and broken ribs a bitch." Addison replied, her words placing the last straw that would inevitably break the camel's fragile back.

"Yes. That's it, Addison." Mark agreed, humoring her, "You've got me all figured out, don't you?"

"Get out of here, Mark." Addison told him, moving her eyes from him to the door.

Mark dropped the crossword book drop to the floor next to his chair. He stood up and walked towards the door, but turned around and walked back over to the side of the bed.

"I don't want-" Addison started slowly, emphasizing her words to make sure she understood him.

"No, I get it, Addison." Mark was nodding as he leaned in too close, "Finish your supplement and I'll go."

Addison kept her eyes locked with his. She didn't know what was going on in his head, what had brought on his sudden change, but she did know she wasn't going to back down from him. She let the moment wait, wanting to get the ball in her court with her silence. Her eyelids drew together slightly in a glare.

"Fine." the word was too crisp and Addison moved towards the table, causing Mark to pull himself out of her way.

Addison downed the rest of the supplement and slammed the empty can on the table. Mark's expression had changed, a mix of surprise and slight humor, as if he couldn't believe that she wanted him gone that bad that she finished the drink in three seconds. He shook his head, picked up the can, crunching it, and threw it in the garbage as he walked out of the room.

With her chest rising and falling in her anger, Addison was trying to understand what had just happened. Mark had been perfectly fine before the x-ray and was completely different after. She had actually thought he would be happy to know the chest tube was coming out. Which meant, she deduced, something happened during the x-ray, however Addison was unsure of what.

"Addie." Savvy was in the doorway, a worried expression on her face and a styrofoam take out container in hand.

Addison looked to her friend who entered the room and set the container down on the table.

"We saw Mark storming down the hall." Savvy said, "He was... pissed. Weiss went with him to cool him off. What happened?"

"Ask Mark." Addison replied bitterly.

"Did you have a fight?" Savvy seated herself on the hospital bed.

"I don't know." Addison shrugged lightly.

"Addie..." Savvy rested a hand on her friend's.

"I don't know, Sav!" Addison repeated, pulling her hand away. Addison paused, wishing Mark was suddenly back in the room. She wished he never left her. Yet, he smothered her sometimes. And that made her sick. Addison realized she had spaced out so she looked back at Savvy and gave an apologetic smile, "Sorry."

"How _are_ you doing, Ad?" Savvy's eyes never left Addison's.

Addison silently cursed. She felt she had done so well at letting her friends believe she was doing well and much better. However, she was now certain by the way Savvy looked at her that she knew there was something going on with Addison.

"I'm..." she paused for too long, she was sure, but Addison found it hard to confess her problems when she used to feel so in control of her life. Now, she wasn't sure of what she was in control of anymore, "I'm fine, Sav. Don't worry."

"Addison, you know you don't have to be brave in front of me." Savvy leaned in, concern covering her face, "You used to be honest with me. You may have hit your head, but you're still the same Addie. I can see that you're hurting."

Addison was very quiet, "You can?"

"Yes, honey." Savvy placed a hand on Addison's again. This time, Addison didn't pull away.

Addison was nodding, "You were always able to do that."

"How can I help you?" Savvy asked, "What can I do, if anything, for you, Ad?"

"I don't know." Addison gave a small shrug.

"You can trust me." Savvy kept her eyes locked with Addison's.

"I know." Addison replied, but her mind went to something else, "How long are you staying here?"

Savvy paused a moment, deciding to let the subject be changed, "Two more days, I think. Weiss needs to get home for work. They're pretty demanding at the firm, so..."

"No, that's fine." Addison cut in where she thought necessary, "I'm glad you could stay this long. I really appreciate it."

Savvy smiled, "Of course. Oh, I brought you dessert."

"Thanks." Addison did her best to smile at her friend.

Savvy picked up the take out container and opened it, revealing a large slice of chocolate cake and three chocolate chip cookies. Addison stared at them for a moment, before looking back at Savvy, her smile still plastered on her face. Savvy waited a moment, observing Addison before snapping the container shut and setting it back on the table.

"You don't have to eat it now." Savvy said, "I'm sure one of the nurse's could put it in the fridge for you or something."

"Right." Addison agreed, "Thanks."

Savvy stood from the bed. She moved to the chair Mark had been sitting in. She seated herself, crossing one leg over the other. Addison watched her movements and before she could gage the question in her head and the reaction it might produce, words were falling from Addison's mouth.

"What was the last thing you talked about?" Addison asked, her brow furrowed questioningly, "You and Derek. What did you talk about?"

Savvy was taken aback slightly, not expecting the question that was brought on by nothing in particular. During the funeral, she had thought about the last time she spoke to Derek. At first, she was convinced it was when she was leaving Seattle once she was well enough to travel after her surgery. Then, she remembered there was a phone call.

"It was a few months ago." Savvy wasn't looking at Addison, but staring at the food container, "He called the house. He asked how I was doing. Then, wanted to talk to Weiss. They talked for over two hours. The last thing I said to him was "you better talk fast, the game is on." Weiss was watching the ball game, but he ignored the game and talked to Derek. I didn't say goodbye. Or tell him I loved him or cared about him. As a friend, that is. I'm usually good with telling those kinds of things to people. It was a casual call, though. If I had known..."

Savvy gave a small shrug and looked to Addison as if wondering if that was the answer Addison was searching for. Once Savvy's eyes met Addison's misty ones, Addison diverted her attention to the floor.

"Yeah." Addison agreed quietly, thinking about the accident and the blame she placed on herself because she was sure if Derek hadn't been taking her home, then he wouldn't be dead.


	13. I Need A Consult

**This chapter is another one of those different perspective chapters because I felt it was necessary to include this, plus it helps clarify the last chapter so you all know what's going on while Addison doesn't (heeheehee). This one deals with Mark. Addison centeredness will pick up in the next chapter. Thanks!  
**

* * *

There was a knock in the doorway of Addison's hospital room. Addison and Mark both looked to the door to see Dr. Stevens smiling. She entered, followed by two nurses with a gurney.

"Hi, Dr. Montgomery." Dr. Stevens greeted.

'_Shepherd_.' that little voice in Addison's head called out, to which Addison silently replied, 'Not Shepherd... not anymore.'

"Hi." Addison said to Dr. Stevens while Mark stood up from his chair.

"We're going to get you on the gurney and take you down to radiology." Dr. Stevens explained while the two nurses began to unhook or rearrange the machines Addison was connected to.

Dr. Stevens made sure the bed was lying completely flat. With Mark's help and the two nurses, they lifted Addison quickly and efficiently onto the gurney. Addison winced as her chest pinched slightly. Dr. Stevens rested a hand on Addison's arm.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concerned.

"I'm fine." Addison replied.

Mark brushed some of Addison's hair out of her face and let his fingers linger just a little longer in the mess of red. He pulled his hand away and smiled at her.

"I'll be right there with you in a minute." Mark told her, "Make sure you smile."

"Ha ha." Addison rolled her eyes.

Dr. Stevens began to push the gurney from the room, one of the nurses helping guide on the other end. Mark took in a breath, holding it until Addison was out of the room, and released it with a rush of emotion. It was hard for him to be strong for her all the time, but he would remind himself of Derek and he would push his own feelings away to tend to hers, something he would only do for Addison.

Mark pulled his cell phone from his pocket and flipped it open. He pressed the button for voicemail and waited. He punched his password in and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hey, Mark, it's Derek. Listen, I need a consult. My patient's a burn victim and I was hoping you could meet with me and her parents tomorrow at ten. She's twelve years old, so-"

Click. Derek cut off his own message due to the fact that he saw Mark in the hall. This was the day of the accident. Well, technically the day before since the accident occurred in the early hours of the following day. Mark had agreed to meet with Derek and the girl's family. That was the last time Mark ever saw him alive. Mark punched the button on his phone to save the message and snapped it shut.

Savvy, face flushed red, entered the hospital room, hurrying to the place Weiss had been sitting. She stopped when she saw Mark. She looked to the hospital bed and realized Addison wasn't in the room. Savvy's eyes went back to Mark's.

"Is she okay?" Savvy asked.

"She just went for surgery." Mark answered, relieving Savvy's worry.

"Oh, well, Weiss forgot his wallet." Savvy explained "He's waiting at the bistro until I get back."

Mark watched Savvy pull the wedged wallet from between the cushions of the chair. Savvy held it up, quite triumphantly, in Mark's direction. Mark gave her a small smile, which suddenly faded fast. Savvy caught the look and lowered the wallet.

"Why don't you come to the bistro, Mark?" Savvy asked, "We only just ordered."

"No." Mark shook his head, "But, thanks."

Savvy walked towards him, physically closing the gap between them, "How are _you_ doing with all of this, Mark?"

Mark did his best to give Savvy that charming smile which made it easy to hide his true feelings from the world. It was convincing enough, but Savvy knew there was more going on. She extended a soft, comforting hand to his shoulder.

"You've been taking care of Addie since the accident." Savvy said, "When I was here before the funeral, you never went home, Mark. I hope you're taking care of yourself, too."

"No, I am, Sav." Mark defended himself, the smile remaining on his face.

Savvy was unconvinced, "When was the last time you were at your room at the Archfield? Or the last time you slept for more than a few hours?"

"Do I really look that tired?" Mark tried to make the situation lighter.

"Mark." Savvy's tone was still serious, "You need to back off. Not to sound harsh or rude, but this isn't good for either of you."

"Savvy, I-" Mark began, once again trying to defend himself.

Savvy cut him off, "Addison did need you after the accident and she still needs you now, but she needs _you_ to be here for her... as Mark."

"Who am I now?" Mark asked, confused.

Savvy's face softened and she spoke quietly, making sure her words came off as not to offend, "You're acting like Derek would if they were still together. But, you're not with Addison, Mark, and you're not Derek. You can't protect her with everything you're doing for her. I know you care. We all do. But you need to give her room and space because when she remembers, it's all going to change, Mark. You know that, right?"

"Of course I do." Mark replied, almost bitterly.

"Then, you need to back off a bit." Savvy replied, "Maybe it's not my place to say anything, but-"

"No, you're right." Mark jumped in, "I think of what Derek would do because he used to know how to take care of her. I mean, before their relationship problems, Derek always knew how to make her better."

Savvy was nodding, "He did. But, that doesn't mean you can't help her as Mark. It's not going to be useful for either of you if you're helping her while acting as someone you're not. That's not what she needs."

Mark was nodding and Savvy moved her hand, rubbing it against Mark's arm, hoping the human contact would help to comfort him after she expressed her opinion judged by the interaction between Mark and Addison over the past week.

"I do think it's great that you're here for her." Savvy reassured him, "You just need to be her Mark, not her Derek."

Mark was still nodding, "You better get back to Weiss."

Savvy gave Mark a small smile and a squeeze on the arm. She turned from him and left, praying that she did the right thing in her attempt to protect Addison as Savvy would, by making sure Mark didn't get too close to hurt Addison emotionally.

Mark waited, thinking over Savvy's words. She was right, he agreed. He had been trying to protect Addison, asking himself what Derek would do had he been in this situation. He never realized just how hard it was to be strong like Mark always envisioned Derek to be. Mark almost wished he never flew back to Seattle. He almost wished he didn't have to deal with this.

He was afraid for when she would remember. He was afraid she would hate him again and surely, as Savvy was trying to explain, he was going to get hurt. The Mark Addison knew in the past was different from the present Mark and no matter what Mark could try to do, he could never be that man he was in the past. And Mark feared when Addison would fully realize their relationship. He recalled when she remembered cheating on Derek with him and how upset she had become. This made a queasy feeling form in Mark's stomach.

Knowing he had to go the radiology department, Mark took off, deciding what he should do now. Savvy was right. He was cramping Addison. He needed to back off. Of course, he couldn't undo anything he had done to protect Addison thus far, but he could at least try to get himself together so when she remembered everything, he had a far less chance of feeling hurt if she decided she didn't want him around.

Mark changed his course and headed in a different direction. He walked quickly, passing a glaring Alex Karev on the way. Before he knew it, he was bursting into Richard's office while Richard was on the phone. Richard swiveled in his chair, eyed Mark up, and ended his phone conversation.

"What can I do for you, Mark?" Richard asked, clasping his hands together on his desk.

"I want you to take me off suspension." Mark replied.

"You're not on-" Richard started.

"You told me to take a break or I'd be suspended." Mark interrupted, "Well, I'm done with taking a break. I want to be working. I need to be."

Richard eyed Mark up again, "What caused the sudden change?"

"I realized I was too overwhelmed before and I'm sorry I punched Karev even though he was a smart ass." Mark answered, his hands were resting on one of the chairs across from Richard's desk, "I want to do surgeries, Chief."

Richard was nodding, "Okay, but you better not have any other problems with any of the staff at my hospital or there _will_ be a suspension, do you understand?"

"Yes, Chief." Mark replied with a quick nod, his face set in professional seriousness.

"Expect to have surgeries tomorrow." Richard said and then his face softened, "How is Addison?"

"Getting x-rayed." Mark answered, "But, she's not really my responsibility anymore."

Before Richard had time to reply, Mark excused himself from the room and headed to radiology, vowing that after tonight, he would focus on his old self and his career, even if that meant a change in his interaction and involvement with Addison.


	14. Just Like That

Addison stirred and shifted slightly in bed. Her left hand slid across the bed sheets and she realized they were unfamiliar. Addison had a nightmare. She opened her eyes in attempt to dispel the horrible dream, but as she looked around the darkened hospital room, she realized her dream wasn't a dream after all. The accident, her memory loss, her injuries were all part of a reality which she was sure she had dreamt.

There was pain in her chest where the tube protruded. Addison's eyes followed the tube to the machine and then they wandered over to the empty chair where Mark usually sat. Addison thought of Mark and his loyalty and devotion to her since the accident, finding it both sweet and sickening at the same time. Her thoughts went to Derek next.

Addison understood that he was gone and she wouldn't ever see him again. After the divorce, she was certain that she would eventually put a distance between herself and Derek, thus leading to her probably never seeing Derek again anyway. However, the main problem she was having now was the fact that Derek did not _exist _anymore. If she had moved away, she may not see Derek, but there would still be a comfort in knowing he was alive and breathing somewhere, even if it wasn't with her.

Addison's hand somehow found its way to the call button for a nurse. She was pressing it repeatedly, almost in a state of panic. Olivia strode into the room. She turned on the lamp sitting on a stand next to the hospital bed.

"Hello, Addison," Olivia smiled, kindly. "Someone called off, so I took an extra shift, in case you were wondering why I'm still here. So, what can I get for you?"

"I remember everything," Addison told her. "My memory- I remember."

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise. "You do? What's the last thing you can recall?"

"Well, before this past week that seems like a complete and total nightmare, I performed a C-section." Addison's brow furrowed in thought. "There's some holes throughout that day. There was something wrong with my car. That's why I went with Derek."

Olivia nodded. "Your tires were slashed. At least, that was the rumor. I should call the Chief or Mark. They both said to call when-"

"No," Addison cut Olivia off with a shake of her head. "I don't want to pull them from home. It can wait until tomorrow."

Olivia appeared unsure.

"You won't get in trouble," Addison reassured her. "I'll explain it to Richard and Mark."

"Okay," Olivia agreed. "Is there anything I can get for you? Or anything I can do?"

"I'm... starving," Addison said and thought about why she had previously refused to eat.

"Well, you were on a dietary supplement, at least it was in your chart, so..." Olivia took a step toward the door, debating on going to retrieve Addison's chart.

"Right," Addison agreed. "Because I couldn't eat before. But, I'm starving now. If you could please, Olivia, find me something to eat, that would be great."

"Yeah, sure..." Olivia nodded and left the room.

Addison relaxed against the pillows. She couldn't understand what she had been thinking to have ever refused food. But, as it sat in her mind more, she began to realize where the sickness came from whenever she was presented with food. As Addison thought about it more, she hoped that those feelings wouldn't return to her once Olivia did bring her some nourishment.

Groaning slightly, Addison recalled the past week and her behavior throughout what she thought was a nightmare. She was actually quite embarrassed and ashamed of the way she had spoken to Miranda and Dr. Stevens, not to mention her attitude towards Mark.

It struck Addison as odd that Mark had shown such loyalty and devotion to her in her time of need. It wasn't that she wasn't grateful for it, looking back, but it seemed strange to her that he had stuck around instead of running. Mark was especially sensitive to the pain caused by the death of a loved one. Addison knew this. And it shocked her that he stayed.

As Addison sat there, she realized she wouldn't be falling back to sleep anytime soon, but rather she would be going over every specific detail of her past that she could remember.

* * *

"Good morning, Addison," Miranda greeted, entering the hospital room.

"Hi, Miranda," Addison replied, a half smile on her face.

"Miranda?" Miranda repeated and flipped open Addison's chart. "I seem to be lucky enough to be getting a soft spot somewhere in you."

Addison shook her head. "Oh... no. My memory's back."

Miranda looked up from the chart. "You remember everything? Just like that?"

"Just like that," Addison answered, her eyebrows flicking up.

"You remember where you live?" Miranda was eyeing Addison suspiciously.

"The Archfield Hotel, sadly, in rainy Seattle," Addison replied. "Though, I do have a brownstone and a house in the Hamptons."

"What else do you remember?" Miranda tucked the chart under her arm.

"Miranda." Addison narrowed her eyes, but Miranda wasn't letting up on her inquiry. "Okay, okay... Meredith Grey was dating Derek, my marriage was completely over, and I aborted Mark's baby... you didn't, uh... know about that last one."

"No, I didn't, but I now believe your memory's back if it helps comfort you in your over expression of... details," Miranda replied.

Addison smiled. "Yeah, I guess it helps a bit." Addison paused, her face giving way to seriousness. "Listen, Miranda, I just wanted to apologize for the way I-"

"Nope." Miranda held up a hand. "I won't hear it. No apologies."

"But, I shouldn't have-" Addison tried to protest.

"Addison," Miranda cut her off again. "You didn't remember anything. It's not your fault for reacting and speaking the way you did."

Addison looked away from Miranda, who opened her chart back up and scanned it over. Addison was wondering where Mark was. Miranda lifted her head back up.

"You're eating?" Miranda asked, a bit surprised.

Addison lowered her head again, looking away once more. "You knew about that?"

"Of course I did," Miranda replied. "I'm your doctor."

Addison drew her eyes back up to meet Miranda's. "Then, yes, I am. No more supplements for me."

Dr. Stevens stepped briskly into the room. She smiled toward Addison and stopped alongside of Miranda.

"Sorry I'm late, Dr. Bailey," Dr. Stevens apologized. "There was a blood spill and I got in the way, so I had to change and... you really don't want to hear about all of this."

"You're right, Stevens." Miranda handed Addison's chart to Dr. Stevens.

Dr. Stevens took the chart, embarrassed, and began looking it over. Miranda turned back to Addison.

"So, what sparked the eating?" Miranda asked and lowered Addison's bed sheets to check her chest tube.

Dr. Stevens picked her head up. "You're eating again?"

Addison's eyebrows drew together towards Miranda. "_She_ knows?"

"She's my intern," Miranda replied, a smirk making its way across her face.

"Well, this better not have been getting out to all your little intern friends," Addison shot in the direction of Dr. Stevens.

Dr. Stevens looked oddly at Addison, knowing that some change had occurred. Miranda finished checking the tube and replaced Addison's bed sheets. Miranda turned to Dr. Stevens.

"Dr. Montgomery's memory is back," Miranda said. "There's some slight memory loss of the events on the day of the accident, but everything else seems to check out."

Dr. Stevens let her mouth drop open out of surprise. She smiled at Addison. "That's great, Dr. Montgomery."

"You _haven't_ been telling all your intern friends about this, right?" Addison was worried and still hung up on the idea that Dr. Stevens had been gossiping her case since she had been assigned it. Thinking of the other interns, the night Meredith visited Addison flashed across her mind.

"No." Dr. Stevens shook her head. "I didn't say a word. Not that I wasn't tempted or bribed to..."

"Dr. Stevens," Miranda scolded.

"I didn't tell anyone the details of your stay here, Dr. Montgomery," Dr. Stevens reassured. "Doctor/patient confidentiality, right?"

Addison paused a moment before nodding. "Right."

Miranda gave Dr. Stevens a look of annoyance. "Go to the pit, Stevens."

Dr. Stevens stood, taken slightly aback. She returned the chart to Miranda's outstretched hand and took off. Miranda shrugged and looked to Addison.

"You didn't have to do that, Miranda." Addison raised her eyebrows slightly.

"I know," Miranda agreed. "But, it felt good."

Addison smiled at Miranda, who returned the smile.

"Has the Chief come in yet?" Addison asked, wanting to let Richard know her memory was back. She waited a moment before adding, "Or Mark?"

"Haven't seen either." Miranda shook her head. "Mark's back on the board, though. He has a surgery at ten."

"Surgery?" Addison repeated. "He was on "suspension," as he so called it."

"Apparently he's not anymore," Miranda replied.

"Oh." Addison was lost in her thoughts. She mulled things over before looking back up at Miranda. "Well, can you make sure the Chief comes to see me when he gets in. And Mark, whenever he can. And... I would really like to see Callie, uh, Dr. Torres."

"Well, I know for a fact that Dr. Torres is here, so I'll have her paged," Miranda told her before exiting the room.

Addison's thoughts immediately went to Mark after Miranda had left. Yesterday, Mark had been acting strange and now he was back on for surgeries and never told her. Addison was confused and felt in the dark. After her whole ordeal, she _really_ didn't like feeling in the dark.

"You called?" Callie appeared in the doorway, a large smile on her face. "I was in the hall and Dr. Bailey told me your memory was back and you were asking for me."

"I was." Addison smiled.

Callie entered the room and stood next to the bed. She looked Addison over.

"Not too bad," Callie commented. "I'm so glad I can finally see you."

"I was wondering why you hadn't sooner." Addison kept her eyes on Callie. "There must have been rumors flying around that I would yell at anyone I once knew at Seattle Grace. They were completely true, so I guess I could understand why you didn't stop in."

"No." Callie shook her head, eyebrows drawn. "That wasn't it all. I wanted to visit, but Mark said no. He threatened everyone and said that if we weren't directly involved with you, we had to back off. So... we all did."

"That explains a lot," Addison commented slowly, her anger making her want to see Mark as soon as possible and preferably now. She felt she had _a lot _of things to say to him.


	15. Shades of Blue

**Sorry this took me a little while to update. Busy week. Enjoy.**

* * *

Mark stood in the doorway, not crossing into the room. Addison's eyes immediately went to him. She had been catching up on the news in the papers she had been neglecting through her crisis week. She pushed her glasses up into her hair.

"I can't stay long, Addie," Mark told her.

"I could kill you, Mark." Addison tried to lift herself, but couldn't. She remained in her resting position, but she still managed to shoot daggers at him.

Mark looked her over. "You're upset that I didn't tell you I was working again, I get it, but-"

"This has nothing to do with your surgeries, Mark!" Addison exclaimed. "Haven't you heard the news? Or were you too busy occupying yourself with said surgeries and endless work to get the Seattle Grace gossip?"

Mark stared at her blankly. Addison sighed, knowing full well that Mark hadn't caught wind of her recent breakthrough.

"Apparently," Addison started, her words cutting through his wall of defense, "Addison Montgomery has her memory back and is_ pissed _at Mark Sloane. That's only the rumor, but the source was pretty damn reliable."

Mark took a few steps into the room, his tough act crumbling. "Your memory's back? You remember everything?"

"Bits and pieces on the day of the accident are missing, but other than that, yes," she answered him, still displeased. "What the hell do you think you were doing, Mark?"

"You mean how I was keeping constant vigilance at your bedside?" Mark's toughness came back full swing.

"Yeah, that was great." Addison rolled her eyes. "Suffocating, really."

Mark held up his hands defensively. "Don't blame your inability to breathe on me."

"Right, because I punctured my lung," Addison agreed. "I did that on purpose, by the way."

Mark crossed to the bed angrily. "I was trying to be a good friend."

"I didn't_ ask_ you to," Addison shot back. "And I certainly didn't ask you to swear everyone away either!"

"Addison..." Mark ran a hand through his hair, letting out a breath.

"What, Mark?" Addison asked, glaring. "What was the great intent behind that, huh?"

"I was trying to protect you." Mark narrowed his eyes, wanting her to understand. "You were hurting and-"

"I _should_ have been!" Addison cut him off. "I should have been hurting, Mark. I- you shouldn't have meddled, you shouldn't-"

"Dr. Montgomery-"

Mark and Addison both looked to the doorway to see Dr. Stevens standing there, chart in hand, appearing as a deer caught in the headlights, or as an intern caught in a brutal verbal engagement. Mark didn't turn back to Addison, but quickly left the room, brushing by Dr. Stevens. Addison sighed heavily as Dr. Stevens entered.

"I'm sorry if I-" Dr. Stevens started.

"No, no..." Addison gave a wave of her hand as if it didn't matter.

"-intruded," Dr. Stevens finished her sentence. "But, your chest tube is ready to come out. We just have to wait for Dr. Bailey."

"Of course." Addison gave a nod and diverted her eyes.

"Is everything all right?" Dr. Stevens asked, concerned.

"Yes," Addison answered too quickly. She paused before words began tumbling out of her mouth. "It's, uh... you've been on my case since the beginning, right?"

Dr. Stevens nodded, the chart clutched to her chest. "Yes."

"Do you think it was wrong of Mark to tell everyone in the hospital to stay away from me?" Addison asked, keeping her eyes on Dr. Stevens for as long as she could stand before looking away again.

"I... I don't know." Dr. Stevens gave a shrug. "He clearly cares about you."

"Yeah..." Addison trailed off.

Dr. Stevens opened her mouth, debating on what words she could say that might help Addison. She set the chart down on the side table and stood next to the bed. "He didn't have anyone to help him with this kind of situation. I guess he did what he thought was best."

"Was I wrong to yell?" Addison suddenly regretted being so angry with Mark. She brought her eyes back to Dr. Stevens.

"Maybe." Dr. Stevens gave a small shrug. "But, I probably would have done the same. Though, I could understand _why_ he did it."

"I overreacted." Addison frowned, disgusted with herself.

"No," Dr. Stevens sympathized. "You were upset. You had every right to."

"No, I didn't." Addison shook her head. "I'm just so angry at... everything and I'm afraid I took it out on Mark."

"This whole ordeal is very difficult." Dr. Stevens tried to comfort.

"It's not an excuse," Addison replied.

"You can't be too hard on yourself, Dr.Montgomery," Dr. Stevens told her. "No one knows what you're going through."

Addison let out a sigh. "No... they don't."

* * *

Addison rested her head against Savvy's shoulder. Savvy and Weiss had returned to visit, waiting patiently while Miranda and Dr. Stevens had removed Addison's chest tube. When they were finally able to enter, Savvy took to climbing in bed alongside of Addison while Weiss dismissed himself to fetch coffee.

"I yelled at him." Addison frowned, their conversation had recently been turned to Mark.

"He had it coming," Savvy replied, resting her head against Addison's.

"Don't agree with me," Addison told her.

Savvy glanced toward Addison. "You should have. I told him he needed to back off."

Addison pulled her head away, looking to her friend. "You did?"

"I did." Savvy nodded. "But, then you got your memory back last night so I don't know if he was going to back off or not."

"I shouldn't have yelled." Addison leaned her head back onto Savvy again.

"You should have," Savvy replied.

"Sav." Addison glared in the direction of Savvy.

"What?" Savvy asked. "You told me not to agree."

"I should apologize," Addison continued on.

"Only if you want to," Savvy responded.

Addison took in a breath, scanning the room. "Where's Weiss?"

"He went to get coffee, like, twenty minutes ago," Savvy answered.

Addison's eyebrows drew together. "Did he get lost?"

"He hates hospitals," Savvy reminded her.

"Right, Mima." Addison recalled. "God, I miss her. She was the nicest woman. I remember when Derek and I went with Weiss to visit Mima and she found out we just moved into our first apartment with practically nothing. She was so upset by this that she sent us an afghan she had made. We got it in the mail and it was this beautiful afghan of all these shades of blue. I wonder if we still have it. I would _love_ to get it back. I'll have to ask Derek if he knows... oh. I, um, keep forgetting he's dead..."

Savvy didn't know what to say as she recalled Mima and then Derek. She placed her hand in Addison's and gave it a squeeze. "Weiss should be back soon. He probably just went for a walk."

"And brought back coffees."

Savvy and Addison looked to the doorway to see Weiss standing there holding a container adorned with three cups of coffee. The two women smiled at him, while he returned the smile, walking into the room.

"Eavesdropper," Savvy accused him, her smile growing larger.

Weiss set the carton on the table and lifted two of the coffees, extending them both. "Mima approved Juju."

Savvy at up and took hers. Addison waved her palm at him.

"Thanks," she said. "Just set it on the table."

Weiss did so and picked up his coffee. He placed himself in the chair next to the bed. He took a sip and then looked to Addison.

"So, is it better?" he asked her. "Remembering?"

"Weiss." Savvy narrowed her eyes at her husband.

"It's okay." Addison turned to Savvy.

Savvy's eyes were still on Weiss. "You always ask the things you shouldn't."

Weiss shrugged. "I'm curious."

"It's fine, Sav." Addison tried to make it clear that she didn't mind talking to her friends about this.

Savvy turned to Addison. "He does this everywhere. Dinners, parties... the most inappropriate questions."

"Come on, Savvy," Weiss said, annoyed.

"It's rude." Savvy looked back to her husband.

"Sav, I-" Weiss tried to defend.

"Don't fight," Addison cut him off. "I don't mind the questions. Really, I don't. I just don't want you two fighting. Please."

"So... is it better?" Weiss repeated his question to which Savvy shot him a look, but remained silent.

"It's... better," Addison decided. "Definitely better. It's just weird to now be able to think over that week when I didn't remember. It's... strange. And scary."

"Do you remember the accident?" Weiss leaned back in the chair and took another sip of his coffee.

"No." Addison shook her head. "I wish I did. I try to remember, but I can't. I wish I knew, I wish I had that sense of closure. Do either of you happen to know what happened to the person or people in the other car? I haven't even thought to ask."

"No, I don't," Savvy answered.

"Neither do I," Weiss agreed with Savvy. "Mark might know."

Addison sighed. "Then I'd have to talk to him."

"You're not talking?" Weiss's eyebrows drew together. "Why?"

"Ugh, I don't want to talk about it anymore," Addison replied, then placed a smile on her face. "Now, pass me my Juju before it gets cold."


	16. It Isn't Fair

**Here's the next chapter. It's a bit on the shorter side, but oh well. Thanks for the comments. They keep this fic going. _Considering it is quite long_. Your awesome reviews are the coal that fuels the train. _One of those old trains, not a present day train_. Okay, I've rambled enough. _I blame it on the late hour_. And there are too many asides. Enjoy the next part! **

* * *

"Do I have permission to enter?" 

She had her eyes closed, but he knew she was awake. Addison opened her eyes and directed them across the room to Mark, who was now in casual wear.

"We need to talk," she told him.

He nodded and took that as permission to enter. Mark stepped into the room and debated on flicking on the main light. However, he changed his mind on that matter and moved to the familiar chair next to the hospital bed.

"Where should we start?" he asked.

Addison paused, thinking about all the topics that needed discussion. She bit her lip and looked to Mark. "Derek."

Mark sucked in a breath and nodded. "Okay."

"What did he look like?" The words tumbled from Addison's mouth. "You saw his body here, right? Before the funeral? What did it look like?"

Mark shook his head. "I'm not going to tell you that, Addison. I'm not going to fill your head with that."

"But-" Addison's eyebrows drew together in protest.

"No," he cut her off. "You don't need to know that."

"You don't know what I need," she replied smartly.

Mark paused, thinking her words over. "You may be right, but I'm still not giving you those details. Is there anything else you'd like discuss that has to do with Derek?"

"Yes." Everything Addison wanted to know was building up inside of her and it finally had the opportunity to pour out. "I want to know about the funeral, the burial, his sisters, Mom, his trailer, his stuff, everything. I want to know everything."

"Addison..." Mark took in a breath.

"You're not going to tell me any of that either?" Addison was annoyed now.

"Of course I will," Mark eased her sudden bout of annoyance. "You have a right to know those things. It's just... a lot of information."

Addison knew he was right. She gave a small nod. "Start with the accident."

"What do you want to know?" Mark thought the accident was still a pretty broad topic.

"What happened?" Addison asked. "I want the details. All of them. And I want to know about the other car."

"According to the police," Mark started, thinking back to what Richard had told him, "you went with Derek because a gang of teens slashed your tires."

"Right." Addison nodded. This bit of information was familiar to her. "I know about that."

"Derek was taking you to the hotel," Mark continued. "Witnesses said your light was green, but the other car, well, it was a truck, went speeding through their red light. It was some young people. They were around twenty five or so. The all had been drinking. Their truck T-boned Derek's, you rolled, and hit a bank."

"We hit a bank?" Addison's eyes widened.

"It's what stopped you." Mark nodded.

"And the people in the other car?" Addison was sure her face was etched with worry.

Mark looked away. "They weren't wearing seat belts."

Addison swallowed, knowing she had to ask. "How many?"

"Four." Mark still wouldn't look at her.

"All four of them died?" She was shocked and could feel her heart rate pick up in a sort of panic.

"Yeah." Mark finally brought his eyes back up to her.

That news sat hard with Addison. She was the only one to survive the crash. Somehow, that seemed unfair to her. Mark noticed the change in her and knew he had to do something or say something. He leaned over and placed his hand on hers.

"Don't do this to yourself," he told her.

"Do what?" She pulled her hand out from underneath his.

"Addie-" Mark began, retracting his hand.

"No." Addison shook her head, her eyes transfixed on Mark's. "Why me, Mark? Why did I live? If I had a choice, if I was able to-"

"No, don't do this, Addison," Mark warned. "I don't want any of this survivor's guilt talk."

"Survivor's guilt talk," she scoffed. "Because it's a such a great thing to survive."

"Addison, please don't talk like that." Mark's face had reasonably saddened.

"Five people died that night." Addison tried to wrap her head around this. "Five people with families, friends, careers. They all had lives, Mark, and they all_died_. What makes me so special to have lived?"

Mark shook his head. "Addison, you can't think about these kinds of things. None of it will ever make sense. And you certainly can't feel bad that you survived while others didn't."

"But Derek is dead!" Addison exclaimed, her eyebrows drawn, not understanding why this didn't seem to upset Mark as much as it upset her. "One of those others was Derek!"

"Right," Mark agreed. "He is dead, Addison. But, you're not."

"So I'm just suppose to forget my feelings?" Addison asked, her annoyance back.

"I phrased that wrong." Mark dropped his harshness. "Addison, what happened to you was very traumatic. You need to know that it isn't your fault. No one blames you for what happened that night. No one blames you for living."

"No one alive does," Addison muttered, moving her eyes away from Mark.

"Addie, Derek wouldn't want you to be treating yourself this way." Mark hoped that she would be able to see this.

Addison cocked an eyebrow and brought her eyes back to Mark. "I'm pretty sure Derek would want to be alive."

"Okay." Mark rubbed his face with his palms and took in a breath. He was fed up and knew that it would come to this. When he finally lowered his hands, his eyes were on Addison. "Dr. Anderson is going to see you tomorrow."

"Mark, no." Addison shook her head.

"What are you so afraid of?" Mark asked.

Addison fell silent. She adverted her eyes. Swallowing hard, she eased herself against her soft pillows. Mark stood from the chair, but Addison refused to look to him. Giving her one last, longing look, Mark left the room. He was done for the night.

Closing her eyes, Addison hoped she would be able to fall asleep. She didn't want to be here in this hospital bed. She wanted to be far away and back to a time when her life wasn't so disastrously messed up. She was done for the night, too.

* * *

_The truck rested. Addison stepped lightly on what she was sure was broken glass. As she moved through the intersection, she was aware of the fact that she was in her hospital gown. She was also aware that no one seemed to notice her._

_As Addison approached Derek's crushed and mangled truck, she felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Would she see the mess, the blood, that haunted her mind every single day? Her breath caught in her throat, Addison peered through the passenger window, the frame clinging to a few small fragments of glass._

_There she was. Unmoving. Blood down her face. And there was Derek. She was sure he was still breathing. For now._

"_Derek!" Addison's voice was hollow to her own ears. "Derek, please! Please, wake up."_

_She was crying. And people were swarming. Too many people. She saw Meredith. And Dr. Stevens. And finally Mark. The three were stationary as they remained sporadically placed within the interaction. Other people she didn't recognize moved about Derek's truck, trying to help._

_Addison stepped back, realizing she was in the way. The crowd was getting larger and she was losing sight of Derek._

"_Derek!" she called out to him again. "You've got to stay, Derek. I can't live through this. I don't want to. Why do I have to do it alone? It isn't fair that I lived and you didn't. Stay with me. Derek... Please..."_

Addison awoke, cutting her own voice off, aware that she had been calling out. She swallowed hard and reached a hand to the wet tears on her face. Although she couldn't remember the dream, Addison knew it was tragic. Within a minute, a nurse would be in to make sure everything was all right. Addison would lie and tell her that everything was.


	17. Personal Thoughts and Feelings

**The next part! Thanks for the feedback. It keeps this fic chugging along. Enjoy!**

* * *

"How are you today, Addison?" Miranda asked as she flipped open Addison's chart. 

"I'm.. all right," Addison answered as truthfully as possible.

"Just all right?" Miranda repeated and moved closer to the bed, glancing over the numbers on the machines. She looked to Addison. "Anything bothering you?"

"No." Addison shook her head. "I'm just tired. And I want to get out of this bed."

Miranda gave Addison a smile. "I bet you do. But, you're going to have to let those ribs heal maybe another week or two. You are healing fast, though, you can count on that."

"Not fast enough." Addison let out a sigh.

"Don't rush yourself now," Miranda gave a warning. "When you do that, you wind up with more damage than when you started."

"Right," Addison agreed.

"Hey, Addie."

Addison and Miranda looked to the doorway to see a smiling Weiss and Savvy standing there. Weiss entered the room first followed by Savvy. Miranda closed the chart in her hands.

"Since you have some visitors, I'll see myself out." Miranda made her way out of the room.

"Thanks, Miranda." Addison called after and then gave a smile to her friends. "You leave today."

"Yep." Savvy gave a nod.

Addison groaned and placed a pout on her face. "I don't want you to go."

"Believe me." Weiss gave a smile. "I don't want to go either."

Savvy gave him a nudge and then moved to Addison. "But we have to, hun."

"Listen, why don't I run to the bakery and get some cake or something," Weiss suggested. "You know, a little something to perk us up."

"Sounds good." Savvy nodded at her husband, letting him have his excuse to escape the hospital.

Once Weiss had left, Savvy climbed into bed with Addison. As always, Addison was grateful for her relationship with her friend. She never had to ask for Savvy to do the things that would comfort her. Savvy just knew.

"How is my Addie today?" Savvy placed her head on the pillow next to Addison's.

"Okay." Addison gave a small shrug.

Savvy's eyebrows drew together. "What happened?"

"Nothing..." Addison knew she couldn't hide. "I talked with Mark about things and that didn't go over so well. Then, I had a nightmare about the accident and as much as I wanted to remember it, I really don't want to anymore."

Savvy's hand found its way into Addison's and she gave it a squeeze. "It'll get better with time. And easier. I may be going back to New York, but don't hesitate to pick up the phone, okay?"

Addison nodded and let out a sigh. "Okay."

Silence fell between them and Addison was lost in her own thoughts. Savvy glanced to her friend through the corner of her eye, but didn't say anything. She knew there was more to come and would wait until Addison was ready.

"Sav?" Addison's tone indicated her uncertainty.

"Yeah, hun?" Savvy spoke softly to ease Addison into sharing.

"I don't..." Addison hesitated. "I don't know what to do with myself now that this has happened. Mark's getting this doctor to talk to me and I don't want to talk... Not to him and..." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Why did this have to happen?"

"This isn't something you'll figure out in a day." Savvy spoke gently. "Things like this... they take time before you realize why they happened."

Addison took this in to consideration. She wiped at the tears forming in her eyes. "Do you think everything happens for a reason?"

"I do." Savvy nodded, trying to hold back her own tears. This topic was emotional for her as well. "I think... I think that for other things to happen, these terrible things_ have_ to happen first. Weiss and I are looking into adoption. We would have never considered it if I could still have kids. Somewhere out there is a child who has no one. A child who went through a tragic, lonely ordeal and may now someday have us as parents. And we wouldn't come together as a family if terrible things didn't happen to make it that way first."

Addison fell silent, processing this information. She tried to understand how Savvy was able to come up with such a beautiful theory. A remarkable explanation that was able to examine and give reason to the bad things in life.

Addison looked to Savvy. "I love you, you know that?"

"Right back at ya," Savvy replied and gave her friend a smile.

"What do you think the reason for this is?" Addison asked.

Savvy shook her head before resting it against Addison's. "I don't know. But, you might know and understand it down the road. Actually, I _know_ you will."

"It doesn't seem right that there's a reason for Derek to be dead," Addison replied.

"It doesn't seem right that a lot of things happen," Savvy agreed with Addison's statement. "Like newborns dying, or suicide bombers killing innocent people, or surgeons not being able to save any lives anymore."

That realization hit Addison hard. "There are so many people Derek could have helped. He could have done so much more with his life. It's not fair, Sav, it's not right."

Tears were streaming down Addison's face by this point. She tried to hold them back, but it was of no use. Savvy tightened her grip on Addison's hand, wishing there was more she could have done for her friend.

"There was a fire at the bakery and-" Weiss stopped in his tracks as he saw the two women in the bed. "Uh, I can go if-"

"No," Addison cut him off and swiped at her tears. "It's fine. We're fine. The bakery's on fire?"

"Yeah, the one down the street a little ways." Weiss nodded and stepped into the room a little more. "Sorry about the cake."

Savvy sat up. "It's okay, Weiss."

"We should, uh, probably go though," Weiss said. "We have to check out of the hotel in less than an hour and the plane is for this afternoon."

Addison nodded. "It's okay. I understand."

"I love you." Savvy leaned down and planted a firm kiss on Addison's head. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"And no more puncturing lungs." Weiss crossed to the bed and also planted a kiss on Addison's head.

Addison gave a small smile. "I'll keep that in mind. Thank you guys so much for coming out here. I really appreciate it."

"You don't need to thank us, Addie," Weiss said. "We're always here for you."

"Have a safe trip home," Addison replied with a nod.

Savvy gave Addison's hand one last parting squeeze and stood up. They each gave another round of goodbyes before Weiss and Savvy left the room. Addison relaxed deeper into her pillows, wishing they were able to stay longer. She was about to close her eyes and rest when there was a knock in her doorway.

A man with dirty blonde hair and too much of a tan stood there. Addison guessed he was in his mid forties or so. He had on a blue shirt hidden beneath a lab coat. Addison tried to keep her eyes from glaring.

"Mark?" she asked with disdain.

The apparent doctor entered and nodded. "Dr. Sloan spoke with me today. I saw you had company, so I thought I would wait. I'm Dr. Anderson."

"I don't want to talk with you," Addison told him.

Dr. Anderson made his way across the room and sat down in the chair next to the hospital bed. Addison's eyes never left him.

"I understand your feel-" Dr. Anderson started kindly.

"You don't understand anything," Addison cut him off. "How could you? You don't know me at all. I... don't want you here."

"It makes sense that you would resent our meeting, Addison." Dr. Anderson spoke gently, wanting to gain Addison's trust. "You're very confused. I understand."

Addison's eyebrows drew together. "Did you ignore everything I just said?" Addison put emphasis on her following words. "You don't understand anything."

"Dr. Sloan informed me of some of your feelings about the accident," Dr. Anderson told her.

"Well,_ Dr. Sloan_ has no right to spread my own personal thoughts and feelings to others," Addison replied bitterly.

"Why is that?" Dr. Anderson asked, leaning forward in the chair. "Do you feel like he has betrayed you? Betrayed your trust in some way?"

"Do you like putting words in my mouth?" Addison ignored his questions.

"Addison, I know for a fact Dr. Sloan only came to me because he was worried about you." Dr. Anderson kept his eyes on Addison.

Addison couldn't take his stare anymore and turned her head away from him. She closed her mouth and refused to open it for any more comments. After a few more questions and coaxing, Dr. Anderson finally gave up. He stood from his chair.

"I'll be back to check on you," Dr. Anderson said. "Is tomorrow okay?"

"No." Addison still wouldn't look at him.

"Have a good rest of the day, Addison." Dr. Anderson lingered a moment before leaving the room.

Addison's gaze shot to the doorway as soon as he was gone. She was glaring and angry. She certainly didn't need this, at least not right now.

With a sigh, Addison knew she would have to convince Mark to stop Dr. Anderson from coming. It wouldn't be helpful for either of them. Dr. Anderson could talk until he was blue in the face, but Addison had made a vow to herself that she was never going to talk to him.


	18. She Hit Me

**I sincerely apologize for the lack of update. I hadn't realized just how long the last post had been, but updating this fic was always on my mind. So, here's the next part. Thank you to all the dedicated readers. I appreciate it since this is such a long fic. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Hello, Addison."

Addison flicked the doorway a look of annoyance and didn't respond. She knew her actions were particularly childish, but she had no way of removing herself from Dr. Anderson's presence, so it was the only thing she felt she could do.

"You look tired." Dr. Anderson stepped into the room. "Have you been sleeping well?"

"I've been sleeping just fine," Addison snapped.

Dr. Anderson nodded and seated himself in the chair next to the hospital bed. "You've had regular sleeping hours, no nightmares-" He must have seen a change in Addison's face because he went with that. "Nightmares and flashbacks are common in-"

"I don't have nightmares." Addison refused to look at him. She was staring at the array of cards still tacked on the board across the room.

"Okay." Dr. Anderson decided to drop it for now. "So, how are you feeling today?"

"Fine." Addison was short with him in the hope he would leave her alone.

"I'm tired," Dr. Anderson confessed, "a bit stressed, but overall in a pretty good mood. It's a beautiful morning."

Addison turned her head in his direction and stared. "When you relay this to Dr. Sloan later, tell him that I don't plan on having any progression with you."

Dr. Anderson leaned forward. "Addison, you understand doctor/patient confidentiality applies here. Anything we discuss is strictly between us."

"I know that." Addison glared.

"Would you like me to leave?" Dr. Anderson held his eyes on Addison.

"You would go if I told you to?" Addison's eyebrows drew together and she felt her scar prickle.

"There's no use for me to be here if you're not going to talk." Dr. Anderson shrugged.

"I don't want you here," Addison replied simply.

Dr. Anderson stood. "Okay. I will still be visiting with you though, but this will be it for today."

"Okay," Addison agreed simply glad that he was leaving her room.

She watched Dr. Anderson remove herself from the hospital room. Addison frowned, knowing the rest of her day was probably not going to get much better. The thought of calling Savvy crossed her mind, but she dismissed it, deeming it too soon to call and bother her friend.

A soft knock brought Addison's attention to the doorway. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at the familiar older woman. A tight smile on her face, the woman stepped into the hospital room and crossed over to the bed.

Addison studied the woman and the gray that mixed in with her dark brown hair. She noted the paleness of her face and dark circles under her eyes which were almost covered with concealer. Addison swallowed hard.

"Are your parents here?" the familiar voice brought tears to Addison's eyes.

Addison shook her head. "They were here a day after, I think. Dad had to get back to work."

"How are you, dear?" A gentle hand reached out and carefully examined the scar alongside of Addison's face.

Addison burst into tears. "Oh, Mom, I don't... can I still call you Mom? Or am I suppose to call you something else now? Mrs. Shepherd?"

"Never call me Mrs. Shepherd." Temperance Shepherd's voice hardened in order to make sure Addison understood that command. "You are a part of our family. A legal document doesn't excommunicate you from us."

"The divorce was my fault," Addison wiped at her tears.

Temperance pulled the chair up to the bedside and seated herself. "Don't give me that. It takes two people to begin a marriage and two to end one, Addison Forbes. In your case, it took three even. Don't think I don't know about that Mark."

Addison gave a small smile and placed her hand on the soft hand resting next to her. "I hope you don't blame too much on Mark. He was only-"

"I know what Mark does to women." Temperance took Addison's hand in hers and shook her head. "He wooed some of my girls though they won't admit it. I gave that boy a slap on the way in."

"How are you doing?" Addison asked, her tears finally stopping.

Temperance used her free hand to pull out a tissue and dry Addison's face. "The house is just about the same as always. The kids don't really seem to understand why they won't be seeing their Uncle Derek. The girls are all right. Nancy and Kathleen are holding their own, trying to stay strong. And Sarah is quieter than usual. Jen's the one that's having the most trouble."

"That's reasonable." Addison drew in a breath with a nod. "But, how are _you_?"

"I'm doing the best I can." Temperance wouldn't look at Addison when she said this. "He was my only boy, but he's with his father now. I know they're both looking after me. My boys."

A growing lump formed in Addison's throat. "Do you forgive me?"

Temperance brought her eyes to Addison. "For what, dear?"

"It's my fault." Addison's words were barely audible.

"Addison, don't go to that place, dear." Temperance gave Addison's hand a gentle squeeze.

"He was giving me a ride home!" Addison cried out, fresh tears pouring. "If I hadn't needed a ride, he wouldn't have been at that intersection. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I killed your son."

"Addison, stop it," Temperance snapped. "You are not responsible. Did you drink and drive? Did you disobey a traffic light and the speed limit as well? No, you didn't."

When Addison's tears continued to flow, Temperance sensed there was something more behind the tears. She stood from her chair and seated herself on Addison's bedside. Addison clutched onto Temperance, making sure not to move too much because of her tender ribs. Temperance attempted to soothe Addison by stroking her red hair.

"My life is all messed up," Addison said into the scented shirt that reminded her of the holidays and home.

"Hush your tears, dear," Temperance spoke the words she often said to her own girls and especially her grandchildren.

"You're the one who lost her only son and here I am like an incompetent human being." Addison sucked in a shaky breath. "Derek is dead and I'm in this stupid bed with a stupid reminder on my face of the whole thing. I won't be able to look in the mirror without remembering this horrible awful... and I'm selfish because I'm making this about me and you're the one who... who lost..."

"Listen to me," Temperance spoke softly. "You know I think of you as one of my own. You are one of my own. Scars will fade, Addison, and you'll get better and you'll live on, saving lives and changing lives. Derek still lives on as well, in each one of us. Do you understand? Let him live with you, Addison, because we both know he never liked to be ignored by you. That's how your first date happened, remember? He pestered you to no end with that charm. You have to let yourself remember or you'll tear yourself up inside."

Addison had quieted down. "If I could change things-"

"But, you can't." Temperance cut her off gently. "We live in the present with the past as our guide. You will come out of this greater than when you went in."

"How can you be so sure?" Addison looked up at the woman, finally glad to have the deep comfort no one else, even Savvy, could provide.

"Because life expects it from you."

Temperance slid from the bed and picked up her purse from the chair. She turned back to Addison, whose eyes were red and puffy from her tears.

"I'll be back later with Nancy." Temperance gave a small nod, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "We're going to his trailer today."

Addison nodded in return. "Thank you. For everything. I appreciate that you came to-"

"You never have to thank me," Temperance said. "Take care, love. I'll see you later."

"Goodbye," Addison replied and watched her source of motherly comfort exit the hospital room.

Addison leaned back into her pillows and thought over the conversation. She felt embarrassed by all her tears, but she knew she had trust in Temperance. She was actually slightly surprised the divorce hadn't sent away this mother figure. But, deep down, Addison knew Temperance would never be out of her life.

* * *

"Hey. Can I come in?" 

"Are you armed?" Addison cocked an eyebrow to the doorway.

Mark stepped into the hospital room. "You sound better. Dr. Anderson must-"

"Dr. Anderson has nothing to do with it, thank you," Addison cut him off and turned a page in the magazine she was holding.

"Mama Tempy was here." Mark crossed the room slowly, hands in his pockets.

"I know," Addison replied, looking from her magazine to him. "She stopped by. You can blame my current good mood on her."

"She hit me." Mark seated himself in the hospital chair. "Then, she gave me one of those Mom hugs. I always forget how much I miss that woman."

"Yeah, well Mom can do that to you." Addison was back into her magazine.

"What do you think they're going to do with all his stuff?" Mark leaned back in his chair.

Addison focused hard on the article she wasn't reading. "I don't know, Mark. I really don't know."


	19. Are You Ready To Rumble?

**You guys! I finished the next chapter! You don't know how terrible I was feeling for the lack of an update. Thank you for all your patience and loyalty to this fic. I know where it's going, it's just physically getting there that's been holding me back. I really very much hope the next chapter is written much sooner than this one had been. Thank you guys for your feedback. I really, truly appreciate it.**

* * *

The next few days went by quickly as Temperance Shepherd continued to visit with Addison. Nancy had stopped in for a day, but she needed to return home to work. Now, it was Temperance's turn to initiate her departure.

"You're not really leaving, are you?" Addison asked from the bed, knowing the day had to come, but wishing it didn't.

"You know I have to go, Addie," Temperance fastened her coat and stood next to the hospital bed. "I've got grandkids that are wonderin' where their 'Grammy' is."

Addison nodded slightly. "I understand."

"Don't look so sad, dear." Temperance brushed some hair from Addison's forehead. "Get well, come stay with your Mama Tempy. You're always welcome at my home, Addison."

Addison drew back from Temperance's touch. "I still don't know how you can say that. After... everything."

Temperance returned her hand to Addison's silky hair. "You're one of my own, Addison. Even after _everything_, you're still welcome home. Now, there's a boy in the doorway spying on us girls."

Addison and Temperance both looked to the doorway of the hospital room as Mark entered. He offered a smile and placed his hands in the pockets of his lab coat.

"You should stay longer," he told Temperance as he crossed the room.

"I wish I could, but you know I can't," Temperance told him. "And when are you planning on visiting your Mama? Huh, boy? When was the last time I saw you at our dinner table?"

"Well..." Mark offered a wider smile. "I, uh... I don't know-"

"That's right," Temperance cut him off, grinning herself. "It's been too long. Come here and hug me goodbye."

"Goodbye, Mom." Mark wrapped his arms around the woman, taking in the comfort he didn't often experience. "Thanks for visiting."

Temperance pulled away, her hands on his upper arms. She shook her head. "Never thank me for something I wanted to do."

Addison and Mark exchanged a smile. That was a familiar phrase to them, one they both always found comfort in. Temperance looked back to Addison and took her hand within her own.

"Get better and visit," Temperance told her. "Understand?"

Addison nodded in response. Temperance gave Addison's hand a squeeze, kissed her forehead, and then departed with Mark hanging an arm over her shoulder.

Letting out a sigh, Addison leaned against her pillows. She was sad to see Temperance go, but she still felt the warmth that woman radiated, which temporarily eased her. Mark returned to the room, his face showing his sadness at Temperance's departure.

"We need to visit her more often," Mark said, lingering close to the doorway.

"We do," Addison agreed. Her face hardened. "Do you know what they did with his trailer?"

"I didn't have the heart to ask her or Nance." Mark gave a shrug.

"Neither did I," Addison replied. She quickly changed the subject. "Have you seen Richard?"

"About a half hour ago." Mark moved further into the room. "Why?"

"I want to talk to him," Addison answered.

"About what?" Mark tapped his fingers on the bed covers as he moved towards the head of the hospital bed.

"Work." Addison shrugged.

Mark stopped walking and his eyebrows drew together. "Addison, you can't even stand, let alone do surgery."

Addison glared. "Thanks. You know, Mark, this isn't-"

Mark shook his head. "I didn't mean it like-"

"How did you mean it?" Addison cut him off harshly.

"I... sorry," Mark apologized. "I shouldn't have said that."

"For your information, Dr. Bailey told me we're going to try walking today," Addison said, still angered with Mark.

"That's great, Addie." Mark perked up, trying to get back into her good graces. "So, what kind of work did you want to do?"

"Well, I could help with patients," Addison replied. "Offer my expertise, give consults and advice."

"Yeah, I think that'd be good for you," Mark agreed and then indicated the doorway. "I've got to go meet with a family now, but if I see Richard, I'll send him your way."

"Thanks," Addison attempted to give Mark a smile. He had just reached the doorway when she stopped him. "Mark?"

He turned. "Yeah?"

Addison hesitated for a second. "Nothing."

"Okay." Mark wasn't convinced, but he let it slide. "See you later."

"Sure." Addison gave a short nod and diverted her eyes from him.

* * *

"Are you _ready_ to _rumble_?" Callie asked excitedly and gave a large smile to Addison as she stood next to the bed.

"Dr. Torres." Miranda gave a warning look to Callie before looking back down at the chart in her hands.

Addison smiled at Callie, who raised her eyebrows in return. Callie turned to Miranda, who was standing next to her.

"Aw, come on, Dr. Bailey." Callie gave Miranda a nudge with her elbow. "She's getting out of this bed and out on the move."

"Yes, but it isn't a race." Miranda looked to the hospital bed. "Addison, let me know if you feel any pain or discomfort."

"She'll be fine," Callie said and flashed Addison another smile.

"_Dr. Torres_." Miranda glared in Callie's direction.

Callie let out a sigh and deflated slightly. "Okay, sorry."

Addison and Callie exchanged another set of smiles. Miranda finished reading over Addison's chart and then looked to the hospital bed once more.

"The physical therapist has been in and you've been sitting up, correct?" Miranda asked.

"Yes." Addison nodded.

"That's good." Miranda closed the chart. "No problems?"

"No," Addison agreed.

"I told you she's one tough chick," Callie said and received another dirty look from Miranda. Callie's eyebrows drew together. "What? She is."

"All right," Miranda gave in. "Let's get the tough chick outta bed then."

Miranda aided Addison in sitting up as Callie took a step back to watch. Carefully, Addison moved towards the edge of the bed before standing. Callie quickly came to her side and helped her to keep her balance. Addison forgot how good it felt to stretch her legs.

"You okay?" Miranda eyed Addison up.

"Yes, I'm fine," Addison answered.

"How are the ribs?" Miranda asked.

"Good." Addison gave a nod. She looked to the walker resting next to the chair Mark always sat in. "I really don't need to use that, do I?"

"If you can walk without it, no." Miranda shook her head.

"I can walk without it," Addison replied.

Miranda was suspicious. "You sure?"

Addison gave another affirmative nod. "Yes."

"May I escort you, Dr. Montgomery?" Callie spoke up, smiling.

"Certainly, Dr. Torres." Addison returned the smile.

Miranda released Addison to Callie. "Be careful. Take it slow and easy. If you need to stop, tell Dr. Torres, who will make sure she _stops_."

"I got it." Callie gave a glance to Miranda before focusing back on her friend.

Once they were in the hall and Miranda finally let them out of her sight, Addison eased and felt a little more confident in her walking abilities.

"How are you doing?" Callie asked, observing Addison's careful steps.

"Good, but how long are we going to walk?" Addison winced against the stiffness in her legs. "I don't want to damage my rib or cause my lung-"

"We're just going down the hall and back," Callie answered. "If you need to stop, just give a shout. Other than this, how have you been? I haven't seen you in a couple days."

"Yeah, Derek's mom was in." Addison tried to ignore the people watching her walk down the hallway.

"Woah." Callie's eyes widened in her surprise. "How was that?"

"Good," Addison replied. "I missed her. I had forgotten how much. I was thinking... maybe I would move back to New York."

"New York?" Callie repeated.

"Yeah, I mean, I can open up my practice again," Addison said, glad to confide her newest plans to a friend. "Or I can work at a hospital, if I get a good offer. I just... don't think I can stay here. Can we stop?"

"Yeah, of course." Callie led Addison to a row of chairs. "Here, sit. Careful." Callie made sure Addison was seated. "All right?"

"Mmhm." Addison nodded in response, hoping she'd have the energy and stamina to walk back to her room.

Callie seated herself next to Addison. "So, New York..."

"It would probably be better if I got out of here and New York _is_ my home." Addison caught on to the sadness that suddenly seemed to impose on Callie. "I'll still be around while I get better and maybe for some time after. But... I don't know if I can stay here. Where he was and all the people who knew him and..."

"People knew him in New York, too," Callie offered.

Addison paused. "Yes, but... it's different."

Callie watched her friend. "You know, Ad, you can run from this, but it'll always catch up to you. I'm not saying moving to New York is a bad idea. I'm just saying that maybe it won't solve everything." She paused, letting her words sink in. She decided to let it remain there. She stood. "Want to try to walk back or do you want me to get-"

"No, I can walk," Addison cut her off and rose to her feet with Callie's help.

Addison led the way back to the hospital room with Callie at her side.

"You're doing really great, you know," Callie commented, trying to lift the conversation back up. "Excellent recovery. Maybe I'll try to sneak in a little celebratory wine."

"Yeah, that might be nice," Addison agreed, but her thoughts were in New York.


	20. Derek's Ferry Boats

**Hey, everyone! Sorry it took me a little while to get this to you. I'm still rooting that the next chapter won't be so far away as the last two have been. Thank you for keeping up with it and reviewing. I greatly appreciate it. :oD**

* * *

"New York?" Mark asked casually as he stood in the doorway to Addison's hospital room.

"Callie told you." Addison frowned.

"No," Mark answered. "Well, yeah. But, she thought I knew. Which I didn't."

"It was just a thought," Addison said. "I was going to tell you."

Mark entered into the room and sat down in his usual chair. "You really want to move back there?"

"I don't... _know_ what I want right now, Mark." Addison gave a small shrug. "I talked to Richard. He thinks it would be good for me to work as long as I'm physically up to it."

"So, you're going to work until you're better and then go to New York?" Mark asked her.

"You can come with me if you want," Addison suggested. "I'm not swearing you away."

Mark shrugged out of his lab coat. "Why do you want to go to New York?"

"What's keeping me here?" Addison replied.

Mark brought his attention back to her. "Derek hadn't been keeping you here for a while either, but you stayed."

"I know that." Addison diverted her eyes. "But, now... I don't want to be here."

"You think you'll be happier in New York?" Mark cocked an unsure eyebrow.

"I don't know, Mark, I'm not currently _in_ New York," Addison snapped and looked back up at him. "But, Savvy and Weiss are there. I need Sav right now. And Weiss, too."

"What about what you have here?" Mark asked.

"I need to get away," Addison told him, her fingers tracing lightly over the scar on the right side of her face.

"Addison, running away won't fix anything," Mark said. "It'll be the same problems in a different setting."

Addison lowered her hand. "How do you know?"

"Because I followed you here," Mark answered.

Addison's eyebrows drew together. "What?"

Mark shook his head. "Never mind."

"No, Mark, what do you mean by that?" Addison insisted, confused.

"Fine," Mark met her eyes. "When I followed you to Seattle, I thought that it would make the problems between you and me go away. A new place, right? It didn't make anything go away. You still ignored me, still hated me."

Addison glared at him. She didn't very much appreciate his story even if it was based on fact. Mark gave her a simple shrug.

"Derek will still be dead even if you are in New York."

"How could you say that?" Addison asked him.

"The truth?" Mark raised his eyebrows.

"But, to say it like that." Addison shook her head.

"Addison, you have to deal with this," Mark told her.

Addison folded her arms across her chest. "With death? Everyone handles death differently, Mark. I'm doing my best here. It's a little difficult considering I never had the _chance_ to go to his funeral."

"That wasn't my fault." Mark raised his hands defensively.

Addison stared at him. "Did I say it was?"

"You sounded like you were accusing me," Mark replied. "I wish you could have gone, Addie. You should have been there. But, you weren't and you have to deal with this."

"I_ am_ dealing!" Addison exclaimed, frustrated with Mark.

"By running away to New York!"

Mark stood from his chair and crossed the room. He stared at the bulletin board of cards.

"Who cares, Mark!" Addison raised her voice. "Who cares where I live! Like you said, Derek will be dead no matter where I go so why are you putting up such a damn fight? Why do you even care? I told you that you could come with me if you wanted. What's so great about Seattle anyway? It's rainy and cold."

"It has ferry boats," Mark spoke softly over his shoulder.

"Ferry boats?" Addison repeated, her volume lowering. "When have _you_ ever cared about ferry boats? That was Derek. You want to stay in Seattle because of Derek's ferry boats?"

Mark turned. "Don't you?"

"No!" Addison shouted. "I don't! I want to go back to the city I fell in love with. I want to be in love with something again, Mark. I need to be somewhere that will make me happy. Seattle hurts."

"Fine, Addison." Mark walked back over to his chair and picked up his lab coat. "Do whatever you want."

"Why are you getting so upset?" Addison's confusion was evident.

Mark met her eyes. "I just feeling like you're running away."

"I'm not," Addison replied. "I'm running _to_ something."

"I don't see the difference," Mark told her and stormed from the room.

* * *

"Hey, babe," Callie greeted as she strolled into Addison's hospital room. She stopped halfway to the bed. "Why so sad?" 

"I..." Addison shook her head and gave a roll of her eyes. "Fought with Mark... over stupid things."

Callie continued over to the bed. "He's aggravating."

"I know," Addison agreed.

"He riled Karev up again today," Callie told Addison as she climbed onto the bed. She settled down next to her friend. "Men are..."

"Stupid," Addison finished her thought.

"Full of themselves," Callie clarified what she was going to say.

Addison nodded. "Especially surgeons."

"God complex," Callie replied.

"Right." Addison fell silent.

"So, what happened?" Callie asked and tucked a strand of hair behind Addison's ear.

"It's... really stupid," Addison told her. She shook her head. "I don't even want to talk about it. That's how stupid it was."

"Okay." Callie shrugged and then smiled. "So, guess what?"

"What?" Addison brightened at Callie's enthusiasm.

"_People_ magazine." Callie pulled out a rolled up magazine that was tucked into the back of her scrub pants. "George Clooney's on the cover."

"Gimme," Addison commanded.

"Here." Callie handed the magazine over, still smiling.

"Wow." Addison stared at the cover. "He's gorgeous."

"Indeed," Callie agreed, cocking an eyebrow.

Addison frowned slightly. "I need a George Clooney."

"Me too." Callie nodded. "I have a George. But, not a Clooney."

"An O'Malley is nice," Addison looked to Callie and gave a nod.

"But, he's not a Clooney." Callie shook her head in response, her dark curls bouncing as her smile widened.

"No, not a Clooney." Addison gave a smile in return.


End file.
